I missed my doctor's appointment. Went the day after by mistake. I felt like sitting on the floor in the middle of that mental health office and bawling. Wonder if a padded room would have become readily available? I'd been holding onto that appointment ahead with hope and perhaps a skewed or naive wishful thinking that just going - just taking that step - the planning to get therapy - in itself would be healing. Now, I must reschedule and wait again but with less wind in my sails.
I had every single intention of going to Church tonight for Reconciliation to put me in a better spiritual frame of mind for my son's Baptism this upcoming week. I panicked, chickened out, and cancelled. Not because my laundry is too dirty to air in the confessional. In fact, no juicy tidbits really to confess - my life is drier than the freezer-burnt roast that you overcook and nobody can choke down. I JUST PANICKED.
So, to soothe the ache/shame/regret I dove into the bathtub. Water drawn as hot as it could be. Perhaps the scald to my skin is an atonement or penance. The cloying steam that shortens my breath presses no worse on my weighted chest than the worries soldered with lead to my heart.
What's one more then, huh? Imagine my soul shriveling just a bit more when my daughter comes in to speak to me about something at school. She told me all the girls she has spoke of so far this year, and so lovingly too, that have been her friends have now paired off into 'best friends.' There is no one left for her. Even a group of three has turned her away since the alpha girl has decreed that "she isn't sure she'll like Corrina", therefore she is not invited to play. My first instinct is anger. Pure unfiltered unreasonable anger. How dare these Kindergartners give my dearling a single moments anguish? But I hide this and speak positively, telling sissy to speak up for herself and remind the girls that they have been pals so far since school started and there is always room for one more when it comes to friendship. My daughter's chin quivered and she stated simply that she just doesn't think anyone wants her. Oh my child, the first to teach me love as a mother - how can I ever take your hurt away? How can I open the eyes of the other people in your little world and show them the beautiful heart inside your small frame? I cannot fight all her battles or win her victories, but knowing this doesn't stop from wishing.
Love comes naturally to a mother just as equally as pain. Sometimes they are indistinguishable from one another. I'm weary tonight, friends. Morpheus I'm coming, ready your arms to give me a peaceful sleep.
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Hey, it's ok! Kids at school are always going to be mean. I'm sure someday she'll find a little buddy. It takes time. It's also hard to get a child to see the big picture though.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what a therapist would say, but when you have plans to go somewhere and then get those second thoughts, you HAVE to push on and make yourself go. I had trouble with the very same thing. I even quit jobs over it....I remember one place I worked I pulled into the parking lot and could not make myself get out of the car. So instead I turned around and went home. I did that with just about every type of social situation you could imagine. I've even put off going to the post office for days...no reason in particular, just wanted to stay home.
One thing that helps is making reasons to go. then MAKING yourself go. You get used to having "errands" to run and eventually the anxiety isn't as bad...and is very manageable.
But who knows....that's what works for me.
Courtney- You have a real talent for expressing yourself. It makes me want to pick up blogging again. I wanted to say a few things:
ReplyDelete-Thank you for your honesty. It takes real courage to share.
- You are such a brave person!!! 1 in 6 adults in the United States have some sort of "mental illness" and only 30% of those seek help. You really are taking a great step towards a better you.
- Don't be too hard on yourself. Mistakes happen, and everything happens according to God's plan.
- As for Corrina, it is a horrible feeling she is experiencing, but it is awesome that you stayed positive for her.
You are a great woman. :) Thinking of and praying for you!
Hey Courtney,
ReplyDeleteIt drives me nuts that this stuff happens in Kindergarten. My youngest daughter (of three I might add) is in first grade this year. She has taken to hanging out with the boys. When I asked her why, she said, "Because those girls are sassy!" How could I argue with that?! I always have a difficult time navigating this area with my girls because I am not very adept in this area myself. I have always been a bit of a loner and I have to work really hard at resembling any type of social being. I always just tell them that if those kids aren't going to be friends, it's their loss. Look at what they are missing!! My oldest daughter has special needs, she struggles more than most socially, and I repeat this almost daily, "The ones worth knowing will find you. The others aren't worth your time." I would just keep doing what you are doing. She'll find her way.
I will keep you in my thoughts Courtney. If it makes you feel better, please know you are not alone. I am not the only one out here that is rooting for you. You are a strong, funny, intelligent woman, and you will get through this! Just take it a day at a time.
Sending positive thoughts and love your way.
Take care,
Ann
Testing,testing-I have tried several times to post a comment but to no avail-not sure why I can't.
ReplyDeleteYou write so eloquently-allow it to be part of your therapy. Write every day if you need to-it's a great way to explore what's going on with your world.
ReplyDeleteAs for missing your appt. I know you are disappointed.Gather yourself up and get questions,feelings ready for next time, so that you are very prepared-you are very articulate so I bet you'll do great.
As for your baby. I understand the sting of seeing your baby hurt and wanting the world to be perfect for her, but it's also how they learn to find their place. She will have to deal with society from now on-let her find her place and she'll be fine.Give her a hug when she needs it and know that she will figure things out.((hugs))
Thank you all for the words of kindness. They've been reassuring and helpful. It is nice to know there are people who care enough to take even but a moment of their day to write to me, say a prayer, or send good thoughts. God bless!
ReplyDeleteOh Courtney :(
ReplyDeleteThe bit about Corrina made me tearful. My oldest will start kindergarten next fall and this is what makes me dread it. Nothing brings out the mama bear in me more than the thought of someone not being kind to my children. Childhood is just so precious and innocent. I wish we could hold on to it forever and protect them from hurt feelings. But sadly we cannot.