It's ratcheting up closer to the holidays - which always seems to be stressful, yeah? Which in my opinion is a real pisser because it should be peace, love, family, and celebrating HIM. Instead, we foolish humans absorb the frenzy around us - focus too much on the materialism - and miss much of the beauty of what we profess to hold dear. Makes me want to clam up even more in isolation. I stepped into a Walmart today and nearly had heart attack with the sea of people I found myself floundering in. Who knew grabbing soft foods for my post-procedure daughter meant donning emotional riot gear just to get some darn pudding and sherbet and making it back alive to the checkout.
Speaking of my daughter, Corrina is feeling better. She had to have dental work done today, fully anesthetized and done at once in the hospital because she is high strung and we couldn't get it done in office visits. She's still tired and puny - but in good spirits. She is eating and drinking and keeping it all down despite the lingerings of anesthesia. So that is very very good. Sad that my girl had to get a mouth full of metal - down on myself feeling like a bad mom that she got dental problems despite the fact that we brush good and are a no pop and limited sugar/candy family (except for daddy who sneaks Mt. Dew during the day). Unfortunately, her daddy's genetics and lots of enamel damaging antibiotics at a young age worked against her leading up to today. At least someone I love very much made me feel better by saying if I was truly a bad mom, her mouth wouldn't have gotten fixed. So, I'll just keep using that as my mantra every time I'm overwhelmed and wanting to break out the hair shirt.
Two days ago I almost cut my thumb off. For real. Went down through the meat and to the bone, clipping a nerve in the process. So now I've got Frankenstein stitches in my thumb which is fun trying to maneuver during baths, diaper changes, and various tasks of mothering. Plus, the only bandaids that are working for me right now that we have are camouflage. Baby boy Kit really likes to grab mommy's pretty camo thumb to try and chew on when she isn't looking. Which hurts on the hurty part and doesn't on the numb part. Oh yeah, forgot to mention I've got permanent nerve damage that the Dr said will never 100% regenerate and will always feel "dead" on part of my thumb. Awesomeness.
Wishing I could decompress from the doom and gloom I've been trudging in. Outlook Not So Good says my Magic 8 ball. Without making this too much longer and depressing, I'll do a light summary: Once Upon a Time this girl was sick. She went to lots and lots of doctors, didn't get many answers, life sucked. A specialist gave a vague diagnosis of Gastroparesis, cause unknown. Then a good doctor told her to have a baby and maybe her body would heal. So miracle baby came along, body was healed, life was much more beautiful. Then another baby came. Then another baby came, again. Mommy's body wasn't feeling too good after all this. She went back to the doctor and got news that maybe, just maybe, a certain condition was thinking about coming back again.
So here I am. To be frank and coarse, I'm scared shitless. I don't want to be sick again. I'm terrified of history repeating itself. I don't know how I will handle the constant and debilitating nausea. Before it was hard on my husband and our marriage, my inconvenient bouts of sickness made our lives troubled. But now? Sweet mercy it feels ever so much more terrifying because I HAVE 3 CHILDREN WHO DEPEND ON ME!!! I have to be able to function, be there for them, make meals, take care of them, and not dump all responsibility on my already stressed out husband. When it rains it pours and this poor bastard-ette is punting along in the deluge.
Hopefully, my stress level will go down, post pregnancy hormones will level out, and my stomach issues will have only been anxiety induced. Please God, let it be so. For now? Wait, watch, and try hard as hell to get that darn counseling session scheduled. I think I need it or else I'll be occupying a padded cell in the booby hatch. Poor husband says he isn't far behind. Wonder if they offer double straight jackets and a honeymoon suite at the funny farm?
Later Gators, Court
I remember feeling overwhelmed and desperately tired all the time. And it sucked, big time. I feel for you, but hang in there girl. You have a lot on your hands now, with the new baby and two others. Just don't get sucked into other peoples stress for the holidays. Bless you.
ReplyDeleteWow, woman!! What can I say, except - I am praying for you & your family to get through this mess. Peace and strength to you, my friend!
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