Courtney Robyn's "Nest"

It's Okay to Care

2011-12-30T15:38:00.001-05:00

My first therapy appointment went well; the counselor and I formed a very nice rapport with one another off the bat. I look forward to continuing work with her to get a firmer grip on multiple issues. There's no shame in getting help when you need it and I did. The holidays passed peacefully and we've enjoyed the week off of school for my daughter. Lots of lazy PJ days. This is a good thing.
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Andy Rooney passed away this November. I loved that old codger and his opinionated manner. He once said "There was never a writer who didn't hope that in some small way he was doing good with the words he put down on paper and, while I know it's presumptuous, I've always had in my mind that I was doing some little bit of good." This was actually in part of a further quote that was a public apology for a supposed derogatory remark, but the substance of the first part still means the same. I'm not so presumptuous to suppose I'm a 'writer' or person of interest worthy to impact the world. I don't have his age, experience, or talent; we do sport similar eyebrow styles. However, this is my blog - my outlet for the bats in my belfry - and I'll say what I feel needs saying. Hopefully some words that I put down during my life will connect with the right readers.
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So, here we are on the heels of 2012. The real meat of my post was to speak up about a growing and disturbing trend I've noticed. When did it become a bad thing to "care?" Specifically, I am sick of hearing "I don't care what anyone thinks." "I will do whatever makes me feel good, who cares about how it impacts others."

In my mind, that way lies danger. G.K Chesterton said “To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.” Where does this selfish entitlement come in that people feel that indulging every whim or notion is healthy? How can we be good neighbors, family members, followers of God, and role models if every action is lived for self gratification with no concern of recourse or repercussions? Just because you CAN do something doesn't always mean you SHOULD. We should care how our lives impact others. I care if my life is a positive presence in someone else's world. I care if it is a negative drain and would thus wish to know if it is in my power to change it. I'm not saying be a slave to other people's opinions. We are all entitled and welcome to beautifully march to the beat of our own drums, but within the limits of a Hippocratic-esque oath to fellow man: try to do no harm. Call me archaic with antique notions, but sometimes discomfort due to how friends and loved ones perceive us can on occasion be the voice of our conscience. We are built with one for a reason: to use.

The more someone protests they aren't hurting anyone by their actions, or they do not owe an explanation for their actions, or various excuses merely shows a defensive attitude that is in conflict with what they are trying to purport. Someone who truly doesn't care what others think or experience based on their actions do not feel the need to proclaim it. They just live that way. When an adult goes on about it, that says to me "thou dost protest too much." Meaning, you say you don't care - you say you owe no excuses or explanations - but isn't that what you are doing? We should never hide who we are. If you make a life choice, have the courage and conviction to stand behind it. Wishy washy backpedaling never got anyone anywhere. Especially forward.

2012 is a new year of unlimited potential. I'm not one for making resolutions. I think resolutions are made knowing they will be broken and dissolved. Instead I want to have hopes for 2012. Hope, the thing with feathers, to take perch in my soul and if the conditions are right - take flight.

Here are some:

To laugh more than I cry.

To give more than taking.

To know more forgiveness than grudging.

To look for more kindness than meanness, in myself and others.

To be in Church more often than a store.

To live more, fear less.

To accept myself as the flawed being I am while remembering I can try to do better.

To have courage in facing the negatives in my life and being brave enough to healthily deal with them.

To give thanks more often than considering wants.

and

to clean out all junk drawers and closets.

Cheers, Court

A Quote

2011-12-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

First off, I'd like to take a moment to express my thanks. For all of you who have wished me happy thoughts - your support does boost me on the dreary days. My sincere gratitude for the kindness.

And now onto the regularly scheduled program . . . .

It's no secret that I'm a voracious reader of books. I love love love the written word. Classic literature, poetry, fiction, romance, murder mystery, crime thrillers, etc. Not so much on the biography/autobiography genre though. Anywho, I love Dean Koontz. Surprisingly I came across a quote in his Frankenstein books that hit home to me. "What he knows is usually not as powerful as what he feels, which is the curse of his condition."

Lightbulb. Ding ding ding. That phrase 100% elucidates the mentality behind a phobia. Common sense and rationality tell me that vomit is a body function, albeit a revolting one. They tell me logically I have nothing to "fear" by it aside from being disgusted. However, my phobia is not rational. There is no making sense of it or rationalizing it when in the grips of a panic attack. The truth I know is never as strong as the terror I feel when confronted by it or worry about the possibility of facing it.

I mentioned two posts ago how I was trying out a hypnotist. It was not an ideal experience. The dude was a crackpot old buzzard that I instantly took a dislike to. He wanted to focus mostly on stupid stick people drawings that he had me do, whereby he then dissected my childhood saying nobody listened to me because my people were drawn without ears. No numb-nuts; they do not have ears because they are fartin' stick people. Maybe is was the Nag Champa incense haze that made him not clearly see I was getting red faced and more ticked off by the minute. After blustering, pontificating, and lecturing me for 45 minutes he finally administered the hypnotism. I remained unaffected. Perhaps anger blocked my inner self from being receptive? Or maybe it's because I don't have ears on my stick people.

Despite the lack of success with him, I have not ruled out trying it again. Assuredly, I will research more professionals before choosing another and most definitely will not go back to him. Harrumph.

I'll also still pursue a more traditional approach. I have my counseling appointment rescheduled and will meet with a therapist on this coming Tuesday. This girl is not giving up for the sake of my family and self.

I do wish you all the merriest of Christmases, blessings from above, and the happiest of hearts. Not sure if I'll have time to pop in again about the counseling until after Christmas. I'm going to be knuckle deep in candy, soap --Yes Soap!!, and last minute Christmas preparations up to the weekend.

Cheers, Courtney

Channeling Thumper

2011-12-15T12:59:00.000-05:00

From Bambi: "If you can't say something nice, then don't say nuthin at all."

So, this post is just to let you know I'm still alive. But I don't have anything pretty, rosy, shiny, nice, or positive to say. Which means I will keep my gob shut in order to not bring anybody else down over the holidays.

Catch ya later gators,
Court

Anniversary Bells

2011-12-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

Today's a special day. Umpteen years ago my Great Grandparents were married. This Great Grandmother of mine was very dear to me; I was born on her 70th birthday. Blessedly, I had a handful or two of years to celebrate with her and form a special bond.

Fast forward to 2000; Benjamin and I got engaged and we set our date. Unknowingly at the time we chose the same day that they did to say our "I do's." I think it was Gr. Grandma Zelma's way of showing approval for our young love. I adore little coincidences like that popping up.It adds a certain sweet indulgence to the taste of life.

Here's a picture from our wedding day, December 8th 2001:

We look so very young. And truth is, we were. Me - 19, Ben - 21. But, we had already been a couple for five years. True high school sweethearts. Marriage was the exciting next step since we knew we already wanted to walk the path to living hand in hand. 5 years later we welcomed our first child; eighteen months later our second child; then our newest and last wee one came after a bit of a break from the first two.

We've learned so much as we have grown with one another and grown with our children. Ups and downs, every marriage has them - but we've weathered them and come out on the stronger side each time. I look at that picture of my husband, so youthful and willing to commit his life to me. I can see him now from across the room. He's filled out from the scrawniness of boyhood and grown into a man. His hands and knuckles that have held our babies, loved my body, and worked to provide an income for our family are worn and weathered from physical labor. His hair has thinned to voluntary shaving baldness. He has crows feet at the corners of his eyes now; hopefully for each time I've made him laugh or smile. He still smells the same to me. That certain fragrance that I can bury my nose into his neck and get a whiff of that tells me I'm home. I guess what I am trying to articulate is with experience, the ticking away of time, and for better or worse - he is more beautiful to me every passing year.

So, thank you God. Thank you for sending me the right mate. Thank you for giving us whatever time we have together. May it please be long and lasting. Thank you husband for being the man you are, the man you will yet become, and for loving me back. Happy Anniversary to the Beards.

Next Attempt

2011-12-06T14:48:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of trying to better myself and life quality; I've accepted the fact that I need to make some changes, seek help, and overcome my current stumbling blocks. A few posts back I explained how my biggest issue was my Emetophobia. Tomorrow I go for a hypnotherapy appointment. Despite the "you are getting sleepy" watch picture above, that isn't how hypnosis really works. As I understand it, all hypnosis is self hypnosis - merely guided by an experienced professional. The goal is to reprogram yourself in a super relaxed state to eliminate fears, addictions, or undesirable behavior. The emetophobia is the target we are going to aim the healing therapy at. Do I know if it will work for sure? No. Do I hope? Yes. The gentleman that will be performing the hypnotherapy has been in the business for 35 years. That type of longevity in his career tells me there must be something to it. He said with my specific issue he estimates 1-2 sessions should be all it takes according to his past success stories. And there have been past successes. That in itself gives me hope for conquering this terror and becoming a rational human being where vomit is concerned. For the sake of myself and family.

I CAN DO THIS! Please pray for me on this little journey. I realize that this is a stepping point; I may fully (please God!!!) recover from the phobia with this man's help but retain some depression and anxiety issues that need more assistance. I'm still not too proud to seek counseling and am leaving that as an open door once we've made it through the holidays. But, first things first, and this fear feels like the dominant monster to eradicate.

Has anyone had a successful experience with hypnosis? Please share if you feel comfortable doing so. Until then:

Keep posted for an update on how things go. . . .

Court

A Snowy Blessing

2011-11-30T11:39:00.000-05:00

How was your Thanksgiving? Ours was very lovely with all the yummy waist expanding trimmings. We go to my parents house with all siblings, spouses, and children. That gives us a total of 17 people now from the original unit of dad, mom, my two sisters, and myself. 9 of them are children. We've multiplied. :)

Dad and Mom with all 9 grandkids.

We had a very heavy snowfall last night to announce Old Man Winter knocking at our doors. I was happy to let him in. Especially since the payoff was a closed school day this morning! I think that kindergartners should get one mandatory extra day off a week anyways! I miss Corrina so much during the week. She goes to school, gets home after a full day, does homework, eats dinner, bathtime, and then off to bed. The measly weekend time with her isn't enough and I pine for her. So, today was a little nugget of splendiferous home time. She and her brothers are so glad to have the day together, also. We had an impromptu dance party in the kitchen, are lounging in pj's, and just had a favorite lunch of mac and cheese with apples to dip in a puddle of nutella. I think we have a nap scheduled in a bit too! I am so thankful for this day, really and truly. It has given me a boost of spirits that I hope to ride out for the rest of the week.

One night soon, by the weekend at the very latest, we will put up our Christmas tree to celebrate Advent and the upcoming Christmas season. My heart is full at the moment from this happy time. I'm practically leaking tinsel from excitement. I think Mr. Kittyfer will really get a kick out of the tree and lights. I cannot wait to see his baby chins quiver with excitement.

Well, I hope it is a blessed and happy season for all. Will pop back in soon.

Cheers, Court

I Will Try Not To Be Whiny . . . After This Post

2011-11-18T18:18:00.000-05:00

Rough and bumpy patches to life lately. Although I always keep in mind it could be worse while praying, pleading, and begging to God for it to not be so.

It's ratcheting up closer to the holidays - which always seems to be stressful, yeah? Which in my opinion is a real pisser because it should be peace, love, family, and celebrating HIM. Instead, we foolish humans absorb the frenzy around us - focus too much on the materialism - and miss much of the beauty of what we profess to hold dear. Makes me want to clam up even more in isolation. I stepped into a Walmart today and nearly had heart attack with the sea of people I found myself floundering in. Who knew grabbing soft foods for my post-procedure daughter meant donning emotional riot gear just to get some darn pudding and sherbet and making it back alive to the checkout.

Speaking of my daughter, Corrina is feeling better. She had to have dental work done today, fully anesthetized and done at once in the hospital because she is high strung and we couldn't get it done in office visits. She's still tired and puny - but in good spirits. She is eating and drinking and keeping it all down despite the lingerings of anesthesia. So that is very very good. Sad that my girl had to get a mouth full of metal - down on myself feeling like a bad mom that she got dental problems despite the fact that we brush good and are a no pop and limited sugar/candy family (except for daddy who sneaks Mt. Dew during the day). Unfortunately, her daddy's genetics and lots of enamel damaging antibiotics at a young age worked against her leading up to today. At least someone I love very much made me feel better by saying if I was truly a bad mom, her mouth wouldn't have gotten fixed. So, I'll just keep using that as my mantra every time I'm overwhelmed and wanting to break out the hair shirt.

Two days ago I almost cut my thumb off. For real. Went down through the meat and to the bone, clipping a nerve in the process. So now I've got Frankenstein stitches in my thumb which is fun trying to maneuver during baths, diaper changes, and various tasks of mothering. Plus, the only bandaids that are working for me right now that we have are camouflage. Baby boy Kit really likes to grab mommy's pretty camo thumb to try and chew on when she isn't looking. Which hurts on the hurty part and doesn't on the numb part. Oh yeah, forgot to mention I've got permanent nerve damage that the Dr said will never 100% regenerate and will always feel "dead" on part of my thumb. Awesomeness.

Wishing I could decompress from the doom and gloom I've been trudging in. Outlook Not So Good says my Magic 8 ball. Without making this too much longer and depressing, I'll do a light summary: Once Upon a Time this girl was sick. She went to lots and lots of doctors, didn't get many answers, life sucked. A specialist gave a vague diagnosis of Gastroparesis, cause unknown. Then a good doctor told her to have a baby and maybe her body would heal. So miracle baby came along, body was healed, life was much more beautiful. Then another baby came. Then another baby came, again. Mommy's body wasn't feeling too good after all this. She went back to the doctor and got news that maybe, just maybe, a certain condition was thinking about coming back again.

So here I am. To be frank and coarse, I'm scared shitless. I don't want to be sick again. I'm terrified of history repeating itself. I don't know how I will handle the constant and debilitating nausea. Before it was hard on my husband and our marriage, my inconvenient bouts of sickness made our lives troubled. But now? Sweet mercy it feels ever so much more terrifying because I HAVE 3 CHILDREN WHO DEPEND ON ME!!! I have to be able to function, be there for them, make meals, take care of them, and not dump all responsibility on my already stressed out husband. When it rains it pours and this poor bastard-ette is punting along in the deluge.

Hopefully, my stress level will go down, post pregnancy hormones will level out, and my stomach issues will have only been anxiety induced. Please God, let it be so. For now? Wait, watch, and try hard as hell to get that darn counseling session scheduled. I think I need it or else I'll be occupying a padded cell in the booby hatch. Poor husband says he isn't far behind. Wonder if they offer double straight jackets and a honeymoon suite at the funny farm?

Later Gators, Court

Children of God

2011-11-09T20:28:00.000-05:00

No matter how weak I am, where I fail, or fall short in celebrating and attending Mass - our faith in Father, Son, and Holy Spirit through the Catholic Church will always be strong and alive. Our children already know and love God. The music of Heaven is always singing in their little hearts. And by golly, even though Corrina is only 5 and Charley coming up on 4 this month - they still know how to ask some humdingers of questions. I am constantly amazed by the depth of their thoughts on God and life. Also, their observations and perspective on how they see it is truly beautiful to take in.

This is Corrina Robyn at her Baptism in June of 2006:

This is Charles Benjamin at his Baptism in December of 2007:

And now our third and last child, Christopher Roy in front of the Baptismal font for his first Sacrament this November of 2011:

We are so blessed beyond measure that the Lord has entrusted us with these precious gifts. May everyday we live as parents somehow reflect that gratitude, may we continue to grow with our children in holiness, may we someday be worthy enough for these little miracles we were given, and may our children live their lives with the knowledge that they are treasured beyond measure not just on this world or in this life, but through eternity with HIM.

The Gift of a Child

Dear God, I thank You for the gift of this child to raise, this life to share, this mind to help mold, this body to nurture, and this spirit to enrich. Let me never betray this child's trust, dampen this child's hope, or discourage this child's dreams. Help me, dear God, to help this precious child become all You mean him to be. Let Your grace and love fall on him like gentle breezes and give him inner strength and peace and patience for the journey ahead. Amen.

~~ Marian Wright Edelman

Failings

2011-10-28T21:31:00.000-04:00

I missed my doctor's appointment. Went the day after by mistake. I felt like sitting on the floor in the middle of that mental health office and bawling. Wonder if a padded room would have become readily available? I'd been holding onto that appointment ahead with hope and perhaps a skewed or naive wishful thinking that just going - just taking that step - the planning to get therapy - in itself would be healing. Now, I must reschedule and wait again but with less wind in my sails.

I had every single intention of going to Church tonight for Reconciliation to put me in a better spiritual frame of mind for my son's Baptism this upcoming week. I panicked, chickened out, and cancelled. Not because my laundry is too dirty to air in the confessional. In fact, no juicy tidbits really to confess - my life is drier than the freezer-burnt roast that you overcook and nobody can choke down. I JUST PANICKED.

So, to soothe the ache/shame/regret I dove into the bathtub. Water drawn as hot as it could be. Perhaps the scald to my skin is an atonement or penance. The cloying steam that shortens my breath presses no worse on my weighted chest than the worries soldered with lead to my heart.

What's one more then, huh? Imagine my soul shriveling just a bit more when my daughter comes in to speak to me about something at school. She told me all the girls she has spoke of so far this year, and so lovingly too, that have been her friends have now paired off into 'best friends.' There is no one left for her. Even a group of three has turned her away since the alpha girl has decreed that "she isn't sure she'll like Corrina", therefore she is not invited to play. My first instinct is anger. Pure unfiltered unreasonable anger. How dare these Kindergartners give my dearling a single moments anguish? But I hide this and speak positively, telling sissy to speak up for herself and remind the girls that they have been pals so far since school started and there is always room for one more when it comes to friendship. My daughter's chin quivered and she stated simply that she just doesn't think anyone wants her. Oh my child, the first to teach me love as a mother - how can I ever take your hurt away? How can I open the eyes of the other people in your little world and show them the beautiful heart inside your small frame? I cannot fight all her battles or win her victories, but knowing this doesn't stop from wishing.

Love comes naturally to a mother just as equally as pain. Sometimes they are indistinguishable from one another. I'm weary tonight, friends. Morpheus I'm coming, ready your arms to give me a peaceful sleep.

Tired of Hiding

2011-10-17T10:32:00.000-04:00

There comes a time when you are tired of hiding. Time to get your head out of the sand and face what made you burrow down in the first place.

I'm there. Here's the lowdown: I have social anxiety issues. I've become a hermit of sorts. I do not function well outside the comfort zone and haven that is my home. I have increasingly distanced myself from people, get togethers, and public situations. Partly due to off and on bouts of depression. (Which is prevalent in both sides of my family and not a laughing matter.) Partly due to . . . a phobia I have.

I have Emetophobia. The fear of vomit - whether from myself or others. It is the most debilitating, black hole, life sucking, negative force in my life. Really, I've had this phobia for as far back as I can remember. It has worsened these past 5-10 years to where I am no longer in control. Panic is. I don't want to go in public because someone may have "a bug." I begged to homeschool so that my child would have less exposure to other sick kids. (Husband wisely refused me for the sake of Corrina.) I don't want to be at amusement parks or carnivals since someone could get sick on a ride. I would rather eat nails and floss with barbed wire than to use a public restroom. Traveling is painful; too many germs, too many strangers. One puke scene - graphic or implied - in a movie will result in a instantaneous panic attack on my part. Church which should be my rock and strength is frightening: we turn and greet our neighbors at the beginning of Mass, we offer the Sign of Peace via handshake, we receive the Body and Blood of Christ - the cornerstone of Catholicism. To me, it is fearsome - someone else's potentially unclean hand is offering the Body, a communal cup offering the Blood. No matter how deep my love of Christ, my heart and mind instead of prayerfully contemplating the mystery dwell instead on any potential vomit inducing sickness I may have been contaminated with. My children, my own sweet children, my flesh and blood whom I love fiercely become repellent to me when they are ill. God forgive me, I have to bite down on my own lips to the point of wounding myself to help my children when they are unwell. We burn through my husbands vacation days mostly for him needing to help me take care of them rather than using them for actual fun activities. I am a prisoner of my own mind, fearing what is a sometimes unavoidable function (albeit repulsive) of the human body.

Do you have an irrational fear or phobia? I empathize and commiserate with you if you do. Those who don't cannot understand what it feels like to have a fear of something overtake you unwillingly. Nothing cuts deeper than when you are in the throes of a meltdown and someone callously tells you to "get over it" or say "what's the big deal?" When you truly and I mean TRULY have a phobia - there is no such possibility. Reason has flown out the window and survival has kicked in. It's not a simple matter of being grossed out - my body and mind actually feel in danger and traumatized by any vomit association.

So, I'm finally taking the plunge. I want to get better. I want to overcome this if there is any humanly possible way of doing so. I NEED to, for the sake of myself and my family who deserve better than what they are getting from me. The appointment is set and next week I have my first therapy evaluation. Finally seeking out professional help to beat this monster down. I will not give up. Whether I have to go through months and months of counseling, hypnotherapy, or medication - there has got to be a way to learn to cope if not outright cure.

If you are religious, I humbly ask for your prayers. I can't do it alone and I am simply afraid. Tired, worn, and weak. So here we go on the way to finding light at the end of the tunnel. Bottoms up.

Frog Delay

2011-10-13T08:39:00.002-04:00

See my gnarly toenail polish and Mr. Ham Chop's squeezy thighs?

This morning we have a "frog" delay. Otherwise known as a Two Dollar Delay compliments of my niece, Paris Kate. In regular people language it is a two hour delay due to fog. Our family - and not my immediate unit of husband and children, but the larger spread meaning my parents, sisters, noozles, and nepphies - are prone to nicknaming everything. We have this addiction to calling things by different names than what they are. Life just tastes better that way.

Naturally, we were enjoying our delay. Snarfling one another in bed and reveling in the fact that we could be in our jammies awhile longer and not rush to get around for school. What that entails is general giddiness, tickling, smooching, and tangled warm limbs while we saw how far we could get with making a human pretzel.

You'd think with having the extra time in the morning, my kids would take advantage right? I offered eggies and toast, hot stovetop oatmeal with pumpkin apple butter. The whole warm shebang to lay in their guts like a warm ball of love. Nope. There's no accounting for taste; they wanted pop tarts. Little buggers don't know what they are missing, but I won't fight it on a morning full of smiles.

So to anyone out there having a bit of a lie in this morning, cheers!

Mid-September Mawkishness

2011-09-15T15:43:00.000-04:00

In a little rural home, in a small community, a mother of three putters throughout the day. She used to be a mother of two. But on the 14th of July, a certain little fellow made his entrance.

I say little. He was 9 pounds and 10 ounces. And, mind you, that was two weeks early. Can we say BUTTERBALL.

Anywho, we of course think he is the cat's meow. Nevermind. I don't like cats. He is the dog's bark. We all are in agreement that our little Kit (Christopher Roy) is perfection in a rotund, roly poly, ball of squeeziness.

I haven't blogged in so long. I feel rusty. First it was feeling crappy throughout an entirely uncomfortable pregnancy. Then it was the foggy haze of brand new baby. After all - I'd had three and a half years to forget what a newborn in the house was like. Furthermore, in the midst of it all I had two older children adjusting to what their new positions were in our changed family. My oldest becoming the helper I had to rely on with greater frequency. My "baby" becoming the middle child who straddled the desire to be a big kid yet not quite wanting to relinquish his little boy grip. The newest addition, a peaceful infant that nevertheless requires near constant attention. A hard working father that balances work and family life as the sole breadwinner. A mother who see-sawed emotionally from all the new feelings too. Toss in some postpartum yucks, anxiety, fatigue, and periodic baby blues. What do you get? A tossed salad of familial confusion.

We are getting the kinks worked out for the most part. Settling into new routines. Routines are important in this family - seriously important. We thrive on them and wither, dither, slither without.

My oldest child and only daughter began kindergarten this fall. It was a challenge. Talk about separation anxiety and adjustment issues. I think we've gotten over the worst, thanks be to God. Big brother is getting used to having the alpha role during the day while she is gone and I think he enjoys it. Although he is still young enough to get whiny if he feels he isn't getting enough of my attention. Which, unfortunately, sometimes happens with a new baby.

Life is clipping along at a rapid pace. Way too fast for some things. Generally though I am loving the advent of autumn and embrace the transition of a season change. Fall always triggers deep emotions in me. Quiverings of heartstrings, yearnings, nostalgia, along with a healthy dose of bittersweet memories. I've touched on my emotional ups and downs before. They are still there rollercoasting me along. With baby and my other children, the happy times are blessedly more frequent and lasting. The darkness still creeps in at times though.

I haven't been to church in oh so long. What keeps me from it? Certainly not my faith itself. That is still deeply intact within me. Part of my absence is the overwhelming tiredness of just raising a young family, being a wife, and homemaker. Snippets of it could be snowballed shame - the kind where you've been gone so long it just gets worse and worse to where the actual facing of going back at times feels insurmountable. Frankly, the doll-garned biggest part of it is my social anxiety/avoidance issues. Going out into public when the majority of my life is so insular and home based makes for a painful situation. I feel awkward, unwanted, nervous, and ill equipped for life outside hearth and home. My hermitish tendencies may need help at some point if I can't get my act together. We'll see; regardless - the substance of me remains, it is just hiding under a protective mantle that abhors crowds of people. Pitifully a group of even 10 people can constitute a crowd to my ninny of a self.

I've started baking and making goodies again. Much to the enjoyment of my immediate and extended family. :) As of right now, soaping is still on hold. My tools and supplies are packed away in a rubbermaid tub; oils in longer term storage via deep freezer. For awhile I had lost my groove in that direction, wasn't sure if I wanted to revisit the hobby. A recent tingle in my fingertips tells me it won't be too long and I'll want to take up the reins on that activity again. Viva la Suds!

So, there you have it. That is the past few months of my life conveniently gift wrapped in a windbaggy blog post. Don't say I'm not a giver. Really, don't. I'll mail you a dirty diaper with no return address.

See ya wieners. Love, Court

I Love You . . . A Leetle Bit.

2011-04-20T16:16:00.002-04:00

------My Stud Muffin.

I want to share a top secret super duper special tip on marriage. Of course I am full to bursting with a baby . . . I mean "wisdom" on marriage. I'd like to hope that for the most part I am decent wife, but this post isn't about what I do to foster that. This post is actually about being on the receiving end of it. So, young men and husbands - pay attention. Oh wait, do I have any male readers? Hmmmm must rectify situation.

Anywho, my husband is a good man. Plain.and.Simple. We're 30 and 28 currently and yet have nearly 15 years of togetherness under our belts. Part of the key to this is: loving each other in little bits. Oh sure, we have a great love for one another on the whole, but little extra bits making an appearance each day are the icing on the cake. The sprinkles on the cookie. ~~The pickle to my ice cream.~~

Here are some of the ways he makes an extra effort that doesn't require a grand gesture, expensive jewels, or fancy shmancy things we don't have money for in the budget anyways.

1. Taking the kids outside to play so I can have a few minutes quiet time. Then, returning to the house with smiling kids holding grubby fistfuls of dandy-lions as a "bookay" for mommy.

2. Being understanding when I simply have no more oomph left in the day and, defeated, say it is cereal for dinner. Instead of feeling any disappointment or chastisement from him - he claps his hands together at the kids and says "Who wants bananas cut up in their cereal?"

3. Hanging out with me in the kitchen while I do make dinner so it isn't a solitary chore.

4. On the rare occasion we don't have the children with us, he still gets doors for me. A gentleman, who knew?

5. Every now and again he will write me a love letter from him or from him and the kids just because.

6. When I'm laying in the tub and my water has gotten cold . . . and we find out the pilot light went out in the water heater . . . he fills my tea kettle and warms up my bath water for me the old fashioned way so I could relax a little while longer. I wasn't pruney enough yet. (This seriously just happened last night.)

7. Earlier than usual, he begins asking me if I'm going to bed. I started to wonder if he was trying to get rid of me. Maybe he had some man-date with AxMen, Swamp Men, or Men Who Grunt and Itch Their Dangly Parts on the TV. Turns out once I did go to bed he was in our bedroom surprising me with my blankets warm out of fluffing in the dryer since I said earlier that I was chilly. (Warning this kind of gift often results in cuddling. It may explain why I'm pregnant again.)

8. Speaking of pregnant - Benjamin went almost 5 months without having any nighttime popcorn to snack on simply because he knew the scent of popcorn nauseates me during early pregnancy. No complaints or guilt, he nobly sacrificed his love of popcorn and soothed himself with cookies instead. It was a real hardship I'm sure.

These things among so many others untold but never unnoticed are ways of showing love with little effort for maximum appreciation. I don't think he plots and scours his brain for these things either. For the most part they are spur of the moment reactions to each day as it comes. He has chosen to live giving me these extra bits of his love because as wife and mother to his children - I'm worth it in his eyes.

So, how can you give of yourself to the one you love? What little ways of loving can grow into big things in your marriage?

The Joys of Pregnancy

2011-03-08T14:50:00.000-05:00

In my last post I mentioned that this baby very well may be my last. Why? My body hates me. Yes, yes it does. It doesn't help that my figure is, ahem, portly. Allow me to ~~whine~~ elucidate on what some of these joys have been third time around:

Round Ligament Pain - any sudden or even well planned body movement punctuated by a tugging feeling best described as someone yanking on your uterus straps. Do uteruses . . . uteri . . . those things have straps? Mine must because they are being pulled and snapped like industrial rubber bands.

Heartburn - the Dante's Inferno of the esophagus. Pretty self explanatory.

Gas - I don't mean the kind I'm cooking with on my stove.

Nausea - I've never been out to sea, nor have I even seen the ocean. But this landlubber's gut has been listing like a sailor newly set into port.

Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction - this one is actually a new one for me. So delightful walking around feeling like you did as a child and your feet slipped off your banana seat bike pedals and racked yourself on the bar. Or even more so like a pair of steel toed cowboy boots kicked you in your lady bits and scampered away.

Again I am reminded why God, in HIS infinite wisdom, made us women responsible for carrying new life. My hubby wouldn't last a day in my swollen ankles. Pregnancy sure is hard on a body, but these "joys" are fleeting in the grand scheme of things. Let me leave you with a few more I forgot above:

Down Periscope - your 3.5 year old son tries peeking down your bellybutton to check on the baby.

Lullaby - your nearly 5 year old daughter whispers and pats your tummy saying "I love you" to the little one within.

Poke-a-Boo - you finally reach the point where baby is big and strong enough to poke back when you press on different spots of your stretch-markified abdomen. (I've earned every one of those stripes by the way.)

Ironman - you see the love in your husbands eyes as he takes a gander at your blooming baby belly. Rough hard-working hands that can be so gentle on the tender, tired skin. (Not to mention the little extra swagger in his walk when you know his inner monologue is bragging for having potent swimmers.)

Blessed - knowing that God graced you with the blessing of children, despite being unworthy at times of such a gift.

Joys of Pregnancy?? Yes, indeed.

Shame On Me

2011-03-03T12:58:00.000-05:00

I will begin this with a huge "I'm Sorry!" I went and posted that last entry with an open ended offer to sell some supplies, then I up and went MIA. There are a billion and a half contributing excuses to my irresponsible behavior - but most truthfully I've just been a wiener. I'm as lazy as a toad these days trying to keep up with the kids while my little bun gets bigger in the oven. This past month has just now seen drastic improvements in my nausea and weakness, but mid-pregnancy fatigue remains. Even though I am not yet 30, this third pregnancy has told my body in many ways that it may also be my last-- unless God should decide otherwise.

My goal is to contact those few ladies who emailed me within the next week to see if there is still any interest. (p.s. Did I forget to mention that I spaced that I had a separate email associated with my blog, instead of messages coming to the one I check daily?)

Beyond responding to those I've neglected, I'm not quite sure where I'm headed next. Except Bedlam. That is a given. I had heard before that with each pregnancy and child you lose more brain cells. I now know there is much truth to that legend. As my wise 4 year old daughter would say, "Mom, I forgot to put that in my Remembories." Forgetting to remember and commit things to memory has been a real challenge for me. So the next step is to reduce obligations to a bare minimum and then I'll feel like an overachiever whenever I do get something accomplished. :)

There is a good possibility that I will continue to blog in the future with a continuing focus on my journey as a mother, homemaker, and observer/participant of life. Some self revelation has shown to me that I'm not meant to have my own business. Years ago I tried the Avon thing. Then the Mary Kay thing. Then the making my own stuff as a hobby that somehow turned into I should try to make a business of it thing. I'm not cut out for it. Seems like I enjoy things deeply until they somehow become involved with money - then the dissatisfaction and disillusionment sets in. Maybe I will get back into soaping (HOBBY ONLY!), maybe I won't. I've learned some expensive lessons on how my personality type should wade in the shallows a bit longer before jumping in too deep. Thankfully, I have a wonderful, loving, and UNDERSTANDING husband who never reprimands or judges me for these painful lessons. He knows that I punish myself more than he could. :)

At any rate, I've enjoyed being part of the soaping community - there sure are some wonderful people I've "met" whom have somehow made my life richer for the knowing. I guess though, this may be a moving on for me. Or maybe it is a moving back. I don't know, I can't even really think straight or concentrate. **Ooh, was that something sparkly? Charley, get that lego out of your nostril. Corrina, will you rub mommy's feet?** Where was I?? Oh yeah, I was getting back to just being me and focusing on family! Take care and I hope spring feelings of twitterpation creep into your spirits!

It's Alive . . .

2011-01-13T18:38:00.000-05:00

By "It" I mean me. I am still kicking - just with less gusto than usual. Saying goodbye to my first trimester and hoping along with that I begin to feel more human and less walking dead. This pregnancy has been totally unlike the other two in terms of nausea and fatigue.

Still not soaping due to an oversensitivity to smells, not that I would really have the energy or ambition to anyways. Thinking I would gladly part with some of my bulk oils and butter at an extremely reduced price for any of you soapy friends if you would be so inclined. I hate the thought of anything losing its ideal freshness before I am back in the game. So, if you are interested - drop me a line and I will provide a list of items and prices (which will be open to negotiation.)

In general there will be:
small qty. FO's
bulk qty. oils of:
   Olive
   Sweet Almond
   Jojoba
   Rice Bran
   Emu
   Coconut
   Palm Kernel
   Avocado
   Shea Butter

I think that is it - I may update if I find a substantial amount of something else I've forgotten. Take care friends!

Silent Night

2010-12-04T22:20:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here in my living room; the children have not yet fallen asleep, but are on the way to drifting. Their mouths that are otherwise flapping a mile a minute have silenced. Our Christmas tree is freshly put up - just this past hour. It is so delightful and nostalgic to be sitting in the living room as a family with the glow of lights to warm our hearts and spirits. Even though my parents only live a mile down the road, it makes me miss them. I should be snuggling with my Poppa and Mom on a night such as this. Time has passed though and it is my turn to fulfill that role.

Christmas is such a Blessed season. I am so thankful for the Lord who gives us reason to celebrate. I am so thankful for what gifts have been sent to our own lives. The day before Thanksgiving we learned we are expecting our third child. Set to be arriving somewhere around July 26th. I'm a bit tired and worn, chasing two other youngsters while growing this little one. Oh so happy and grateful though!!

I have my open house at my home tomorrow to sell some soaps and such. I'm expecting a pretty decent turnout based on all the RSVP's I've received thus far. After this event, I'll be putting the finishing touches on a few orders by way of making candy. Quite a bit of candy . . . but it should be able to be done in 2-3 days work time if I can really put my nose to the grindstone. And then - - - I'm taking a break! I'm going to rest, relax, enjoy the season with my family, and grow this baby! So, it may be quiet around these parts until after the holidays. Maybe not, I may yet have another post or two in me for 2010; but I make no promises! :) God Bless and if I don't "see" you sooner - Merry Christmas to all!

With Love, from Spain

2010-11-17T12:57:00.002-05:00

In all my life, I can count on one hand the times I've received international mail. I've never been overseas. The only time I've been out of the United States is to go to Canada. I love Canada. My sisters and I fully intend to explore P.E.I one day and walk in the literary footsteps of Anne and Emily while looking for others in the Race of Joseph. Having said that, lovely Canadian country it is - grand European adventure it is not.

Props to Cocobong for fixing my picture! (see below about awesome soaper community!)

Imagine my great delight and smug worldliness when I received a package from Spain. This is high living for me, folks. My package containing soap came from the sweetest Jennifer Young of Jenora Soaps. I won a sea salt soap bar in a giveaway she hosted. She also threw in an extra little special holiday bar for my personal enjoyment.

I haven't fully put these through the gamut of soapy trials - but first experience is top notch. The blue salt bar is the first of its kind that I have tried. It is exfoliating, creamy lathered, and scented with an herbal peppermintish fragrance. Intoxicating. Hubby was trying to stuff it up his nostrils to get a more powerful whiff. I told him that under no circumstances was this bar to go anywhere near his man-bits. Testing it out on my hands it left smooth silky skin and a pleasantly cooling tingle.

The holiday bar was slightly spiced with a strong sweet finish of Anise. I really appreciate the smell of Anise and fully intend to enjoy this bar. On my hands it created wonderfully voluminous and loopy bubbles. Definitely an incredible lather. The fragrance stayed behind so nicely on my skin as well.

So, Thank You soapy friend Jen. I love the goodies, but even more I cherish the relationship. This soaping community I am blessed to be part of is phenomenal. I have made so many new friends via blogs, facebook, or soap supplier sites. Once you open yourself up to the experiences and communication - it is like nothing else I've previously been a part of. It is sharing, communication, laughter, education, support, daily life interaction, and more. I would never have "met" these women otherwise. I still may never meet all of them in person, although it would be lovely to do so. But I still feel touched by them. I hope in some way I can repay that feeling back.

Love and smarmy blathering, Courtney

Happy Birthday Charles Times Two

2010-11-15T09:17:00.000-05:00

I am blessed with a wonderful father. My dad, Charles (Charlie), is a man that has a heart of gold. In a quirk of fate, my son also named Charles (Charley) was actually born on my father's birthday of November 12th. What better birthday gift could I have ever given him? Remembering the delivery of Charley is worth a smile and laugh; we were nearing midnight and almost going to miss the birthday window. Dad was a ball of nerves and had mentioned that I could just get on with it and do him the courtesy of having the baby on his birthday. (With a definite undertone of "if I knew what was good for me.") I hope that my son can become the kind of man my father is.

Charles (Charley) Benjamin, 3rd birthday smiling over the tractor cake. Notice the passengers? :)

We joyously celebrate my nephew Ledger's birthday on the 15th and brother-in-law Raymond on the 17th. Four birthday boys so close together. My sisters and I decided to have a joint party for all these fellas at once.

Left to Right: Ledger Ross, 4 yrs.; Raymond Elliot, cresting the middle age hill -har har har; Case Hill (stowaway in the birthday picture); Charles Roy, 60 yrs; Charles Benjamin, 3 yrs.

So, now that the festivities are over it is back to soaping for me. I will be having my first open house at my home the first weekend of December and really need to get in gear for prepping my inventory. Cheers!

How to Be a Yes Mom

2010-11-03T12:36:00.000-04:00

Every now and then you come across an idea that you really have to ask yourself how can I apply that in my life? Recently I came across that sort of idea and I can't remember where I read it. It was a blog I follow and I hate to steal anyone's literary thunder or their bloggy goodness - but it was so wonderful that I want to pass on and share the gist of it. So whoever you are that wrote about this--if you are reading-- please know that I appreciate your idea and give you all the conceptual credit with gratitude.

Being a "yes" mom.

What do you mean you ask? I find in my role as a stay at home mother of two young toddlers some days you are easily overcome with NO-ITIS. You say: No to this, No to that, NO No no - put that thing back where it came from or so help me . . . (bum-bum-bum monsters, inc.) You feel like saying no to those little broken records who don't even realize they sound like broken records (what's Mom talking about? records? she must mean CD's.) It can be a battle that you are losing with very little grace and most days a dwindling reserve of patience.

Without sending out the white flag - how do you as a model of Christian motherhood deal with it? Become a Yes mom. That does not mean let your child have everything they want. It means give them what they want/need on your own terms. Tricky, tricky. Young children, older children, even adults tire of hearing the word NO. You feel limited, suppressed, upset, and full of the why question. Sometimes it is for our own best interest that we hear the word no. We learn from it. However so much becomes a drudge. Mom can I have a cookie? NO. Mom can I have fruit snacks? NO. Mom I want to play outside (in the chilly rain) . . . NO! Your young children don't understand the reasons why there's no cookie until after dinner. Or why you can't have fruit snacks - you just had a cookie. :) Or if you go and play in the cold rain you are going to get cold, wet, and probably sick.

Instead they just feel the rejection of the resounding NO. Sometimes in a young child's mind this well meant moderation translates into their idea of love. "I never get to do anything, or have anything. Mom always is saying No - she must not love me as much." That couldn't be farther from the truth, but in that youthful mind's eye the vision of parenting with love-set limits is obstructed.

So, I'm getting around to the meat of this dish: Say Yes. Yes, you can have that cookie if you eat a good dinner. Yes, of course you can play - when the weather clears up or let's play a pretend outdoor adventure inside. Yes, you sure can have a show on, when your chores/homework is done. Instead of Charlie Brown's Wah Wah Wah teacher-speak it is a positive reaction that silently says "I hear you. I listen to you. Your needs and requests matter."

My goal is to really implement this method of mothering into my daily routine. It doesn't mean being a doormat or giving into every whim. It's more about taking the time to really listen to what your child wants and seeing how you can make it into a positive event rather than a potential war of wills. Time to take off my riot gear.

Two New - and More to Come! (hopefully)

2010-11-03T07:13:00.000-04:00

I'm on a soaping roll. I figure if I can do a few more days of steady soaping by completing at least two batches a day I will have enough stock by the end of the weekend and still have enough time to meet holiday curing requirements. The week after that will be dedicated to whipped cremes, massage candles, lip balms, and sugar scrubs. Then that's it! I swear. Please, hold me to it will ya? Wouldn't hurt to send a stick of dynamite or two my way say, oh, around Thursday? Keep me going!!!!

Here were my two newest pics - freshly cut last night - that did not make it into the last post. Later Gators!

Fresh Snow with Cranberry Seeds

Mayan Gold

Most Recent Soap

2010-11-02T20:13:00.001-04:00

Here is what I've been doing since the last picture post:

Spellbound Woods

Autumn Afternoon with Whole Milk Powder

Pumpkin Lager with Whole Milk Powder

"Frostbitten Blackberry" - Blackberry Sage, Champagne, and Bamboo

China Rain

Cedar, Saffron, and Oak

Spiced Spruce

Unscented Whoops-a-Daisy

Good golly, I love soap.

"Scent"imental Fool

2010-11-02T15:58:00.000-04:00

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It is amazing how a simple thing such as fragrance can evoke such emotions in a person. Our olfactory system is a marvel when you consider all the nuances the humble schnozz can pick out. I admire the talent professional perfumers employ. My nose isn't nearly as sophisticated as those pro's, but I sure enjoy pretending it is. :)

Age changes our perception of fragrance too, I'm realizing. For instance, like tastes, there are some "flavors" that one must acquire an appreciation for. As I've gotten older there is a profound admiration for Sandalwood that has developed in me. I used to think "stinky old man" upon smelling it - but now to me it is warm, woodsy, inviting, slightly sensuous, and entirely unisex. Conversely, in high school Patchouli was "cool." I think it stinks to high heaven now and want nothing to do with it unless it is expertly and subtly! blended with a more dominant fragrance.

Nature provides the most delightful array of perfumes that we have the privilege of sampling. Leaves in Autumn, crisp snowy ozone on a Winter day, flowers, freshly turned dirt, warm doggy fur . . .

I'll leave you with a top 5 fragrances that are my faves. Please, share your own! What scents can send you over the moon?

1. Newborn baby - that earthy, fresh smell straight from heaven - before they've ever had that first bath.
2. True rose - delicate, powdery, eminently feminine.
3. Fresh mowed alfalfa hay - sweet, crisp, and embodiment of summer.
4. Children coming in from playing - bringing with them the smell of wind, sunshine, and dirt.
5. Cedar/Wood sawdust - reminds me of playing in my dad's wood shop as a kid.

I could go on and on and on . . . sniff sniff.

Happy Helping Hands

2010-10-24T20:25:00.001-04:00

What is more enjoyable than having a set of happy hands to help? My niece Lydia came over to play in the soap lab aka spare bedroom with me. She is 10. She is also one of the most candidly funny little critters I know. Her point of view in looking at this world around us is a delight to see; if only more people in the world could have that perspective - fresh, full of wonder, and a dash of friskiness for good measure.

We made a mini batch of healing lip balm for her, my other niece - her sister - Paris, and her best school chum. Those girls will have the shiniest lips on the playground for a month!! It was mint-chocolate flavored and oh so good.

Stick Blending Maven

Next up was a batch of Lily of the Valley whipped body creme. I will admit to a bit of trepidation when she brandished the immersion blender at me with a maniacal laugh. However, we came through it with all appendages still in their proper place.

Dreaming of Whipped Creme

This creme has to be my newest favorite recipe to play with. Ingredients include copious amounts of Shea butter, almond oil, soy wax, emu oil, cocoa butter, vitamin E oil, and fragrance. It is oh so fluffy, moisturizing, and destined to be a favorite of winter skin. Texturally it is nearly indistinguishable from true stiff whipped cream. Nary a person could put a dollop on their finger and not contemplate giving it a taste - it looks that good.

Must you take another picture? I'm working here.

Well it was a lovely day and I'm glad to be training up my future employees! (p.s. don't mind the messes in my background. Room is in progress . . . )

Slow Going's

2010-10-18T13:06:00.001-04:00

I haven't turned out much product the past week or two. I always feel so accomplished when I get bunches done; alternately I feel so verklempt when I am lacking. Outlook isn't great either in the immediate future. I have a few food orders that will be coming due and therefore take precedence. Ahh, well at least I can still dream of soap.

In addition to the other busy work that needs my attention there is the matter of re-organizing my soap room. It was a disaster area. When I get to working on something I'm like a whirling dervish and once the smoke of frenzy clears a mess is left behind. Nothing ever seems to get put back the way it should. May have something to do with kids usually needing me! My niece was over this weekend and helped me to get a bit of it revamped. Bless her little self for being my gopher and all around assistant. The room is over halfway done now and once it is completed she will come over again and actually get to do some "real" soap stuff with me. For a 10 year old - it's pretty cool to play soap with Auntie still. :)

On a personal note, a fervently wished for prayer was answered recently. I thank the Lord that during all these hard times my husband has remained gainfully employed. Things get tight, but with his job we were able to still let me be a stay at home mother. Nearly two years ago his particular position was eliminated; fortunately with the Union he was able to move within the company to another job. The job required him to be on call 24 hours a day, 6 days a week. That has been such a burden on our family. Young children, a worn out mommy, and an often absentee daddy is not a good combination. My kids got to the point when as soon as his pager went off for a call-out they began to cry. I felt like it too. It has been a strain on our family life and marriage. We continued to give thanks for having a job, yet praying for a change. We NEED to be together, we would prefer to not have our life dictated by the whims of a company pager. Two weeks ago we joyfully learned he caught a bid on a different position!! He will have an hour drive each way and loses the company vehicle: but our evenings and weekends will be our own again. Tomorrow is the last day he reports as a serviceman and we are thrilled.

At a local street carnival we were able to attend!

So, thank you God - we are eager to get reacquainted as a family, get back to a church routine, with the option for spur of the moment fun together again!!! My heart is starting to lift already thinking of happy children and maybe even more so - for a happy wife looking forward to having her husband home in the evenings and on weekends!!!

Glad to Have vs. I Can Do Without . . .

2010-10-15T17:41:00.000-04:00

A lovely gal, and new found soaper friend Patrice of The Soap Seduction sent me a little care package. She hosted a giveaway and I was one of the lucky winners. In it was a Creme Brulee scented sampler of her Hand and Body Lube (I think, correct me if I'm wrong Ms. P) and a sweet soap cupcake. It is even complete with sprinkles. I used the lube and my dog tried to gnaw my arm off and I need to hide the cupcake so my husband or children don't try to eat it and fart bubbles for a week. :) All in all - great stuff from a wonderful person. Don't forget to visit her blog and pop into her Etsy shop! This was my keeper . . .

So on the other side, today I went to the mall in a nearby relatively small city. First time I have been there in nearly a year. Much had changed. In Macy's there was . . . wait for it . . . I couldn't believe it . . . a retail hub for LUSH. I thought those places were only in large cities! Turns out it is the only one in Indiana, or so the clerk told me. I am glad to have seen their stuff. There is much talk of their soaps, bombs, and other bath and body products within the soaping community. It seems there are not many in-betweeners when it comes to LUSH products. You either love it divinely or despise it desperately. I realized I must be one of the rare in-betweeners. I could see the mass appeal lure of their products. Definite eye candy, interesting and forward thinking in the design, display, and concept. They have their marketing down for sure. So, while it was neat to see and there were some things I would have liked to try (but NOT at $15 dollars for 3oz of soap . . . ) in general I could go without. Most of it seemed a bit to forced or "trendy." For me soapmaking is a very personal part of my life - an extension of who I am and who I am becoming. Getting goodies from other soapers who are complete strangers - yet have become friends I value due to our mutual love and respect for the trade is part of the magic. LUSH was just a commercialized (and a bit overscented) impostor of the artisan soap trade. I'll stick to making my own and supporting the people I'm growing to love by shopping on their pages and Etsy. Homemade and handmade is better for a reason, because a little part of us creators is given with passion in every crafted piece we turn out.

Beeswax Eureka!

2010-10-13T16:37:00.002-04:00

A while back I posted a tutorial on rendering beeswax. I recently rendered another big batch that came from raw burr comb I purchased of the same local Amish man. It is work, there is effort involved, probably would be much easier to just buy it . . . .

But I like doing it. I like feeling as though I am supporting a local person; enabling them to pursue the hobbies they love. It makes me feel like I am identifying with the housewives of yore who really did all these old fashioned arts for themselves out of necessity instead of a whim. This also teaches my children that not everything must come from a store shelf but can be acquired with gumption on our own part. All this is a big reason why I am a fan of cooking from scratch, making soap, breastfeeding, and treating minor ailments with natural remedies.

Anywho, back to the point of this unintentionally rambling post:

Beeswax. Beautiful, delightful smelling, versatile substance that it is - has another name. MESSY. Oh yes, I said the "M" word. As if cooking, soaping, and two toddlers weren't messy enough - I get major mess issues when rendering the beeswax. And once that stuff is melted and re-hardened (particularly on a metal surface) IT DOES NOT WANT TO COME OFF. It readily peels off of parchment paper and is pretty easy to get off glass if it is a solid larger piece. However, the thin sludgy sticky residue coating your pan and utensils once done will not budge with the greatest of effort. Out of an awkward situation involving me and molten hot lava wax one day I had to reach for the nearest receptacle available or run the risk of injury. It ended up being one of my favorite roaster pans. I knew it could possibly ruin it. Alas, I went forward regardless of the consequences.

Messy Pan - Sob

Vinegar, baking soda, boiling water, coarse salt, dish soap, pine sol, lysol, bathroom soap scum cleanser, scrubby pads, steel wool . . . you name it - I tried it. All in the vain hope I could salvage my pan. I emailed the customer service department of a popular beekeeping company to see if they had wax residue removal tips. The reply was - "No, just use your pan. It will eventually cook off and you'll just eat trace amounts of it at a time until it is gone." I'm not so opposed to eating trace amounts of beeswax. It is a natural substance, non-toxic, and in things like chapstick that I ingest small amounts of anyways. But the thought of knowing that was on there drove me nuts. I wanted it CLEAN.

I put on my thinking cap. What in the world would breakdown beeswax? Nothing else I tried worked. Just heating the pan and trying to wipe it out with paper towels while still hot did help considerably but not enough and you only had a minute at best to wipe before you ended up with paper shreds in wax in your pan. Did I mention messy? Today I had an epiphany. It occurred to me that if you use beeswax to emulsify and thicken oil; in reverse could oil thin and break down wax? Maybe those of you with a scientific mind knew how to deal with this problem off the bat. If so, I salute you. For this dim-lit bulb I tell you I felt like a genius with how "deep" I was thinking. So, I coated my pan with vegetable oil and popped it in the oven. After about 10 minutes in the heat I took it out and wiped it down with paper towels. Whaddya know - it came clean!!!

Moral of this entirely too long winded - I'm bored out of my gourd - have nothing better to do than blog - story??

Don't use a pan you want for cooking to render beeswax. Har har de har. (Or if you do, oil to the rescue!)

Whoops - Mount Lavawax erupted on my table. Memo - must cut wax into manageable pieces before totally cooled; however one must wait until center is no longer liquid . . .

Ahhh, sweet fragrant golden wax rendered by my own two slightly blistered hands. Priceless.

Formulating A Soap Recipe

2010-10-09T12:12:00.000-04:00

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Soapers enjoy finding a tried and true recipe to work with. The recipe that has been put through its paces and been found to meet expectations of a certain balance. Suds - cleansing - hardness - conditioning. Beginners look to more experienced soapers to share the knowledge that will give us a bit of a head start to making the perfect bar. But . . . what if your perfect bar is different than what someone else thinks it should be?

If you meet with that situation and you've exhausted other recipe options, most often you will hitch up your pants and say "well, I'll just have to make my own then." Thus a monster is born. Mad scientist meets scatterbrained mother (in my case.)

Gleaning from others wiser than myself - I typed up a generic list of fats and what the recommended usages are in soap. Any of the more exotic oils, butters, or waxes that are not listed here will need more research on your part to see the best method and amount of usage. This will not be a comprehensive resource on formulating a soap recipe - just a few hints to help you along the way.

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Please always use a Soap/Lye calculator before using any recipe. Even a printed book or Internet file can have typo's. Using a calculator will not only allow you to personalize your recipe, but will act as a safeguard that you are using the correct ratio of fats to caustics. Many calculators and software now go a step further and can tell you what the qualities of your finished soaps will be so you know if you are on the right track.

Calculators can be found at:

www.brambleberry.com

www.soapcalc.net

www.thesage.com

Most soaps are best to have a combination of hard oils, soft oils, and butters. However, perfectly good bars of soap are made with soft oil alone (Castile) and firmer fats alone (Laundry Lard bar.) I prefer to mix it up though. Below are recommended quantities/limits in percentage to some of the common soapmaking fats per batch. Remember when formulating your own recipe to consider the shelf stability, price, and for some - the environmental factors that play a part in your chosen ingredients. I have no problem using Lard or Tallow - but many folks will want to have Vegan alternatives for their potential customers, likewise many soapers are no longer using Palm oil due to deforestation and animal displacement. It is as anything else, a personal preference.

Almond - 40% or less

Avocado - 30% or less

Babbassu - up to 50%

Canola - up to 50%

Castor - superfatting 7% or less

Cocoa Butter - up to 15%

Coconut - 30% or less

Cottonseed - 25% or less

Jojoba - superfatting 1-2 oz ppo

Kukui - 10% or less

Lard - 65% or less

Mango Butter - 15% or less

Monoi de Tahiti - up to 60%

Olive - pomace or grade B, up to 100%

Palm - up to 30%

Palm Kernel - less than 30%

Safflower - up to 20%

Shea Butter - up to 20%

Veg Shortening (soybean oil) - up to 50%

Sunflower Oil - up to 20%

These quantities are not hard and fast rules. In soapmaking, not much is set in stone and part of the fun is bending the rules to see what happens. I just found it helpful to have these percentages in mind when staring slackjawed at my supply cupboard wondering what kind of soap to make. Time for me to slap my jaw shut and get to making more soap!

Later Gators!

I've been tagged.

2010-10-04T15:52:00.000-04:00

Autumn at Autumn Asks Why tagged me - so in the spirit of camaraderie I'll play along. :)

1. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Rudeness and dishonesty. Yup I double dipped on this one. Rudeness, because there is no call for it. Just unnecessary hurting of people. Dishonesty for the very same. Be true, be respectful and you'll be a better "you."

2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

I'm already here. I'd love to travel and see the sights of new places, particularly the UK - but ultimately I am a homebody. My family is so close knit that it would be too painful of a separation and I would wither.

3. Have you ever been searched by the cops? (LOL inquiring minds want to know)

Funny story that . . . ah just kidding. I never have been, however there was an incident when my then-fiancee was at my parents house recovering from surgery. We live out in the boonies and all the sudden there was a Drug Enforcement team and helicopter in the field behind their house. They had found a marijuana patch growing near my parents property and WRONGLY assumed it was ours. They were suspicious of a grown man being home during the day and not at work. Once they realized why he was home things got better. There was questioning, voluntary permission to search mom and dad's house, and explaining of just who's property it was growing on . . . Boy that sure was a wild day. Felt like a movie scene.

4. What is the one thing on your mind right now?

Soap. Nearly always soap. :) I've got it bad.

5. Favorite song right now.

Egads, there is no way to narrow it down. I am a music junkie. Always and forever anything by Bob Dylan or Neil Young. I'm also hot and heavy into Brandi Carlile and Regina Spektor.

6. What talent do you wish you had?

Guitar. I love music as mentioned above. Wish I could make it as well as appreciating it.

7. Favorite drink.

Tea. Hot or Cold. Any flavor excepting Darjeeling.

8. In one word, how would you describe yourself.

Quirky.

So I'm supposed to tag more people. Instead of tagging, I am going to advertise. :) These links below are of soapy/bloggy friends I've acquired. If they want to play along and consider themselves tagged - I'd love to hear from them. But, if not - I'm going to still put your names out there and hope others pop in to see your great blogs and creations.

The soaping community is so warm and welcoming. I already treasure these new friends. They all share great information and have lovely products that are divine. I take my hat off to all of them! Thanks for sharing the bloggy game Autumn! (p.s. - there are more soapy friends that I admire, but I didn't want to overwhelm my readers with tooooo much talent! har har)

Amy - Great Cakes Soapworks
Patrice - The Soap Seduction
Jen - Owl Tree Soaps
Ann - In the Interest of Annie
Jen - Jenora Soaps
Ambra - NaKin
Deb - Springvale Soaps
Melissa - Soapendipity
Cocobong Soaps
Amy - Tenth Avenue Soapworks
The Soap Sister

Well "Color" Me Confused

2010-10-01T18:21:00.000-04:00

Anyone else ever get intimidated by color? I see all these amazing soapers with color schemes that set me all aquiver. Swirling one color is an achievement to me. Two colors are downright hedonistic. How can these folks be doing up to EIGHTEEN in one soap batch?

Furthermore, I'm not sure what kind of colorant I prefer. I'm not such a purist that I need all natural colors. I admire and appreciate those going the extra mile to keep theirs a perfectly natural bar. Should the need arise - I certainly have no qualms at offering an all natural or uncolored bar as a request from a customer. Generally, the group of people I am working with so far do not require it though. So . . . I have mica, pigments, oxides, and my recently acquired high pH LabColors designed with CP soap in mind. (Thank you, I love you Brambleberry!)

I have not a clue which one I like better. The LabColors will hopefully be put to their paces this weekend at some point. I want something that doesn't bleed too horribly. I want it to stay true. I'd rather not have to use an entire container of colorant for one batch of soap. Morphing makes me gnash my teeth.

Soapers - I put the question to you:

What is your favorite method of coloring. Why? Tips, Tricks, handy dandy info to share? I'm not looking to steal trade secrets - just inviting anyone to share what they have learned along the way. Let's keep it to CP or HP variations of soapmaking with the lye monster. Melt & Pour technique is a whole 'nother barrel of monkeys.

I love to read.

2010-09-27T19:26:00.000-04:00

To me reading is such a pure joy. You vicariously experience adventure, history, magic, love, and yes- sorrow (but often with redemption.) I find that my tensions melt away and I can just "be." No expectations of me - only mine of the story and characters waiting eagerly to be fulfilled.

I also have certain sets of books or particular authors I have to read on a schedule. Neurotic? Maybe. But I like it that way. Winter brings L.M. Montgomery books; the Anne of Green Gables and Emily of New Moon series. Spring would be my Judith Merkle Riley books with the Vision of Light set. Summer is quite eclectic and usually anything goes. As long as ALL JANE AUSTEN books are covered forward and back. Autumn. Oh Autumn - you bring Harry Potter. Need I say more on that account? Not unless you are a Muggle.

I enjoy reading new books by new writers too, but I never abandon those well worn pages that are true blue friends. They've consoled me many a time along with a cup of tea. Didn't you know books are such social creatures? Don't rush, get to know them and relish every moment.

Sometimes I realize I was meant to live in between the pages of a book; I certainly don't fit in this world. My sisters know this truth. As do my parents. An avid family of readers we be. Which is why an absolutely perfect visit among them sometimes needs to be nothing more than sitting in one another's company, book in hand.

What are your moments of joy from a book? Furthermore, which book inspired those feelings? Inquiring minds want to know!

Priorities

2010-09-18T21:24:00.000-04:00

Sissy's first day of pre-school.

I really love my soapmaking, it is one of the best skills I've been blessed to learn. I've really become addicted to it in such a relatively short time. Amazing how such a good fit can do that - it's like meeting a new person that automatically feels like an old friend.

My personal requests and orders are coming in droves. I appreciate it so much; everyone supporting me and enjoying the fruits of my labor is a heady feeling. Originally, I wanted to participate in a few festivals/bazaars. I had found 4 that were with in my booth rental means and in nearby locations. However, as they draw nearer I realize that there is no way I'll be ready in time for even one. Not with my ever dwindling inventory and busy mommy life. Family always comes first - hands down. Also, we have a trip coming up this weekend that will put a crimp in last minute soaping. Which leaves me making the disappointing, yet relieving choice of holding off on the public venues this fall.

Do I want this venture to succeed? YES
Do I want it to be bigger than it is now? YES
Am I willing to wait with patience, hope, and faith that it will come together should the Lord so will it? ABSOLUTELY!

Reaping great results comes with hard work and personal effort. At some point there will be a challenge to face, a leap of faith into unsure waters, and more evaluation for deciding what path to take in the future. But, I am living in the now. My vocation as mother and wife still comes first; I won't alienate or neglect them to make inventory and be under pressure when it isn't critical to do so. I've got all the time in the world to putter on soap and see where it takes me. I do not have that long to enjoy my babies while they are still so small. So . . . full time stay at home mommy / hobbyist soaper I remain! (for now!)

Adventures of S.O.A.P. Part Viisi - SugarPlum Soap Scrubs

2010-09-14T20:53:00.000-04:00

This will be a rather uneventful post. Why? Because all those darn fragrances behaved like good little oils in the individual sugar soap scrub balls. They do look delightful though. All of the fragrances stayed true and really came into their own with richness in such a gentle medium. No lye or extreme temperatures to morph or bruise the delicate nuances. Don't they just look like they should be in a giant gumball dispenser?

SugarPlum Soap Scrubs

And so, that is that for tonight. I'm still adjusting to life as a mommy with a child in school. We drive to and from town to get my daughter 3 times a week for her preschool education. I'd like to think things would be calming down or going back to normal soon - but it doesn't look that way. I have quite a few special orders to fill and 4 upcoming craft shows/festivals I had intended to participate in. I cannot keep my stock level where it needs to be; I think I will hold off on registering for two of them. This is not even counting the candy orders that start rolling in late October through December. There will always be more events in the spring and summer - no need to make my absolute favorite time of year (autumn) filled only with obligations and no simple rest and joy of taking it all in.

I myself plan on a little rest here in a few minutes . . . off to bed I go. Once I get these packaged up that is. What? How could I resist saving a little time and mixing up some extra SugarPlums while I had it all out? Avocado Mint, refreshing!

Butterfinger Bonanza

2010-09-13T16:13:00.000-04:00

Took a rest from soaping today. Felt the urge to make some candy instead. Fall always does that to me; it may have something to do with the impending holiday seasons that bring candy orders from a few devoted customers and family members. My husband has been commuting the past three weeks for a furnace school certification with his service job. He was driving an extra 3 hours a day in order to come home to us at night. This candy was made mostly for him!

The recipe is so surprisingly simple:
1/3 c. water
1/3 c. light/white corn syrup
1 c. white sugar
1 c. peanut butter
Dipping Chocolate

In a heavy 2 qt. saucepan with candy thermometer pour in water, syrup, and sugar. Stir only until mixed. Once incorporated bring up to 310 degrees on your thermometer. DO NOT STIR while it is coming up to temp no matter how much you are tempted. Make sure to make this on a day with lower than 60% humidity or else you will have a mess on your hands.

While it is coming up on the hard crack stage have your pan prepared. Cookie sheet, rectangle casserole dish, or small jelly roll pan are all suitable as long as it has a one inch side. Grease surface of pan with butter. Don't be stingy now, butter is always better and you'll wish you had put more on the first time you have to chip away what is left behind. :) I haven't tried it yet but it may even work better to pour out on a silpat or parchment (not wax!) paper. If someone tries that let me know the results, please.

Have your creamy peanut butter pre-measured and slightly warmed in the microwave. It will pour better and keep from seizing once poured in your sugar mixture.

Once at 310 degrees, remove from heat immediately. On a heat proof surface stir in the peanut butter with a clean and dry wooden spoon. Stir vigorously until well mixed, but not so long that it sets up in your pan. Once mixed - spread out onto buttered pan and smooth top. At this point or within a minute or so of pouring pre-score your cooling candy. If not you will need a chisel and hammer to break this bad boy into pieces.

After fully cooling you will cut your desired size pieces and proceed to dip them into your choice of chocolate. Dark or milk, "candy" coating or properly tempered real chocolate - whatever that little sweet tooth desires.

Store in cool place no longer than two weeks. Not that there is any chance of them lasting that long . . .
Final notes: is this an exact dupe for Butterfinger Candy Bars? Not exactly. There are no preservatives that will make it last for a bajillion years. There were no strangers pawing it after wiping their nose. There is no wasteful wrapper to go in the landfill. But, there is delicious crispety crunchety peanut butter and chocolatey goodness!

P.S. - I don't think these gum up in your molars quite as bad as the "real" butterfinger! Bonus!

Adventures of S.O.A.P. Part Cuatro - CP Tester Cubes Cont.

2010-09-12T14:26:00.002-04:00

I took my tester cubes out of the oven this morning to see how all went. No volcano eruptions, so that's a good thing! :) I also kept a bit of each batch left over in the dixie cups. I scooped (or gouged) that out of the cups to for comparison. The cups were left uninsulated by the way.

Until now I'd never given much thought to how much heat and gelling could affect the color results. Based on these cubes and the natural coloring of each fragrance I would say heat will intensify the darkness of each color. Maybe they will lighten up with water evaporation and curing. Maybe the little smears left in the dixie cup will instead darken. Isn't that such a neat thing about soapmaking? No matter how much tried and true methods we utilize there is still a certain mystery factor that keeps you going "huh, didn't expect that." (In a good way.) Maybe that's why the addiction sinks in so deep - we wan't to think we are smarter than science and can show it who's boss. :) Nature sure has a way of delightfully throwing that out the window.

Here in the photo we can see the alteration in color from what was left in the cups (on the right) versus the oven processing (cubes to left). Fragrance notes are of the OP'd cubes since that is the method I prefer and would want to know most on that.

#1 turned a bit whiter in the processing, the remaining batter has a more eggshell off white coloring and it firmed up nicely. Fragrance seemed to lose some of the bubble gum quality and was just more citrusy.

#2 was white in processing, remaining batter a white/ivory and had a very soft consistency. Had it been regular CP it would not have been ready at all to unmold. Fragrance stayed intact.

#3 color was pretty similar in both methods. Firmer consistency yet still tacky. Fragrance lost some of the other notes and what was left strongest to me was a cool melon scent, very delicate.

#4 was a darker ivory in processing. Whiter when left to saponify at room temperature and was very firm - this could have been cut today had it been a full batch. Fragrance stayed fairly true.

#5 had a big discrepancy in color. You can see the OP'd turned a dark tan while the dixie cup CP was a pumpkin orange. Very soft - I've met cheeseballs with more backbone than this batter. The "pastry" foodie scent really bloomed with the processing which would not have been the scent that I would have preferred come through. Hopefully that will mellow.

#6 colors and textures were very similar all around. Fragrance faded quite a bit - will see if curing brings it back.

#7 was darker with processing. The other was custard color and very firm. You could tell in the cup it had gelled on its own despite the small quantity. Fragrance held up very well, which is so pleasing since this was probably my favorite of the nine.

#8 was a big color change as well. OP'd was a dark beige while the cup CP was a light lemony yellow. It had the texture of room temperature butter. Not ready to unmold at all. This was one of my least favorite scents, at least in processing the powderish smell came through stronger. Now it has that Jovan White Musk feel to it. Not a favorite, a little too old-lady for me.

#9 stayed alike in color. Texture was grainy yet fairly firm. Fragrance held up well, I still find this scent so intriguing and it drives me nuts that I cannot figure out where I have smelled its doppleganger before.

I know looking at my results that I did not get as good of a mix as I should have. When working with so many small samples and hoping your other ones do not set up before you can get to them it is easy to rush it. I could see slight streaking in the cup batters that showed the fragrance was not fully incorporated or evenly distributed. I also had a bit of oiliness from fragrance on the surface of my OP'd soaps. A lesson for me to mix more thoroughly. I still think despite that slight snafu that they are still reliable results of what to expect.

Adventures of S.O.A.P. Part Drei - CPOP Tester Cubes

2010-09-11T20:59:00.000-04:00

I decided to go with CP Oven Process soap first. It is the medium I most want to know how they behave, so if something went wrong I would still have fragrance left over to try again.

I made a little over a 1# batch of a basic soap recipe containing Coconut oil, Lard, Sunflower Oil, and Castor oil. This should be a nice white base that will give a realistic idea of what those fragrances are going to do. I will not be adding any color or extras beyond the FO. Soaped at 110 degrees.

I found this neat little silicone brownie bite mold made by Wilton. It was ideal for testing multiple small cubes with different fragrances. (Thank you Amy of Great Cakes Soapworks for the inspiration!) I set up my table with dixie cups, droppers, stir sticks, and the mold. Dedicating two spots of the mold per fragrance and then I had enough soap batter left over for 4 baseline cubes. How can I know all the differences in behavior if I don't have a control group that is left plain for comparison? (That's my fancy way of saying "hey, I figured my quantity wrong.")

It ended up figuring approximately 1.75oz of soap batter per fragrance - give or take. I kind of eyeballed it as I poured into the dixie cups. I wanted strong fragrance; each tester cup received around 3 ml. of fragrance oil. This is what I have so far:
#1. Turned a dark lemony yellow. Behaved well.
#2. Pale creamy ivory. Behaved well.
#3. Dark ivory. Behaved well.
#4. Dark ivory to light beige. Definitely accelerated trace to the point of seizing. Within moments it began to gel within the mold.
#5. Rich butterscotch color. Behaved well.
#6. Dark Ivory. Definitely accelerated trace, slight seizing/thickening. Early gelling.
#7. Custard in color. Very slight acceleration of trace.
#8. Color of butter. Behaved well.
#9. Light ivory color. Instantly began turning to a rice pudding/mini curds consistency. It did not want to mix in at all. It never seized or thickened like it was accelerated, just very strange teeny lumps.
Bottom unlabeled - control group.

Naughty and Nice mugshot of tester cubes.

At the time of this post I have them in the oven at 170 degrees. Within 20 minutes I had complete full gel on all squares. With the smaller volume these are going to process much faster than a log mold. I'll let you know in the morning how they came out. Also, tomorrow I'll move on to sugar scrubs and perhaps a lotion candle for each fragrance.

Adventures of S.O.A.P. Part Deux - What's in a Name?

2010-09-11T20:34:00.001-04:00

For this second post on the SOAP Panel fragrance testing I will focus on what each fragrance smelled like to me. Brambleberry was tricky tricky and sent us the bottles numbered from 1-9. Why? To be tricky of course. Okay- I think it had something to do with not having any preconceived notions of what it SHOULD smell like.

Think about it - you read the name or description of something. You smell. Then you compare what you smell versus what it says it should smell like. You already have your mind made up before taking that first sniff. By giving us numbers instead of names it is totally unbiased and new.

Here are this schnozz's unprofessional scent notes:

#1. Hubba bubba! This smells like a juicy fruit bubbley gum scent. Berries, citrus, sherbet - basically a cheerful tutti-fruitti.

#2. Masculine, crisp, musky, smoky, sage, vetiver?, and a hint of ginger?

#3. Melon, lemon, figgy, sweetish with a very delicate floral note like lily.

#4. Masculine, shaving cream or aftershave, piney, fresh air, cool.

#5. A pastry or Creme Brulee with strong caramel, vanilla, rum - very sweet very warm.

#6. Seemed masculine, a citrusy heavy on the lime, lemongrass, regular fresh weeds/grass, a sharp scent. Almost a bit harsh at the end.

#7. Instant holiday nostalgia - cinnamon, clove, cardamom, pressed cider, hint of hollyberry?. Warm and friendly.

#8. Almost sickly sweet to me - Strong vanilla, sweetish tonka bean, amber, hint of powdery undertone. Warm scent.

#9. Clean, ozone, water, cool, a floral of plumeria or freesia. I can't decide. Then I thought maybe lotus. It is a fragrance I swear I have smelled elsewhere but for the life of me I cannot place it. This has to be a dupe.

wikimedia photo

Up next, actual product testing. Stay tuned S.O.A.P. fans . . .

Adventures of S.O.A.P. Part 1 Introduction

2010-09-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

Brambleberry S.O.A.P. Fragrances 1-9

Hiya there folks! So I have been feeling quite honored to be chosen as a part of Brambleberry's S.O.A.P. Panel. We are a group of chosen soapers/chandlers that are testing out some new unreleased fragrances in various products to see how they perform; and our feedback should help BB staff choose which will be featured in the Spring 2011 fragrance line.

I received my box of testers last weekend. I haven't been just resting on my laurels of fame, mind you. The first day I ripped into the box like a rabid dog. My husband spent a few minutes cleaning up the cardboard shreds. Then I proceeded to go on olfactory overload aka Sniffermania 2010. I smelled, sniffed, sampled, inhaled, and absorbed the fragrances in every way possible for a mere nose. There were 9 of them in total. I felt a bit woozy afterwards.

I'd like to give Brambleberry my best effort so I will be doing multiple posts documenting my findings. This way I can break it down into more manageable posts instead of novels. I also intend to milk each fragrance as far as it will go and test it in multiple mediums for a more comprehensive understanding of each one.

Here we go . . .

Costumes

2010-09-07T16:52:00.000-04:00

I have to get with the program here. I am undoubtedly a procrastinator at times. The lure of putting off, waiting just a bit, or being wishy washy has bit me in the hindparts many a time.

I love festivals where traditional or re-enactment clothing is worn. I've missed out on registering as a booth holder for one of our local ones already. I WILL NOT miss out on the other one that is with in my means to register for $$wise. Sure there are a couple of other ones, but I am in no position to pay the 2-300$ booth fee at this point in my hobbying.

Anywho, for the one I am really excited for I need to get an old fashioned dress made up. Like pioneer-ish. My sewing skills are nil so I'll be relying on others for this. I have a friend that is going to be making up some vendor aprons for me with her mad skills for my other upcoming craft venues (oh, crud. I was supposed to drop off my fabric to her . . . woops. Did I mention I procrastinate and forget alot?) My sweet sister said she'd help with the pioneer dress and apron. I hope I get a frilly cap too.

I've always liked the make believe of being in a costume or doing "dress up." In high school Theater and being in all the plays and musicals satisfied that need. Also, we never lacked for funky duds to play with growing up and my Mother had an awesome costume tub that was open for business year round. Holidays or just for fun. I think there may have been one summer break where my skin fused to a pair of elbow length gold lame' evening gloves. I never wanted to take them off.

My kiddos get it honest, for all the funny get ups they put together. Sadly for them - no awesome homemade Halloween costumes out of this mother. Unless it only involves a sheet, pillow case, or jogging suit. I just might be able to manage my own though this year. I'm going to slap on some fragrance, have hubby shrink wrap me, and Voila. A perfectly lumpy bar of soap waddling down the street.

Lye Lamentations

2010-09-02T11:33:00.000-04:00

Up until recently I purchased my Lye (sodium hydroxide) from the Original Soap Dish. It is a company in the same state as myself so shipping was very reasonable. For some reason I decided to shop elsewhere for my next batch. I was going to purchase a larger bulk amount and found a great deal on it with free shipping. Also, I wouldn't be tempted to buy other supplies as well, only the lye I needed. I ordered 10 pounds.

This is what I received:

This devilish evil lye came to me charged up with static electricity. Imagine if you will - me trying to pour out and measure my amount of lye using the same equipment I always have. Now, add in as soon as I opened up the cap and ever so slightly tipped the bottle the caustic beads from hell began flying out the top of their own accord. I tip the bottle more thinking it was a fluke. My bottle was pointed down; somehow the lye was flying up. And sideways. All over. A bajillion micro beads of skin searing caustics. I tried righting the bottle and setting it down. They still flew out. I think I may have heard the sound of the freaky monkeys from the Wizard of Oz.

So once I had the mess cleaned up and realized that static gremlins were in my lye I knew something had to be done. Measuring out a mere 6 oz. was dangerous. How the heck was I going to use up 10# safely and not have my eyes burned out, my skin fall off, and lungs seared by inhaled free flying lye devils.

I emailed the company and told them I cried because I wasn't sure how to deal with this. I was afraid of it. They said to set it on a wet rag. Yeah that'll work for 10 pounds. Not to mention the fact that I work hard to keep my kids from my soaping area, but it isn't completely failsafe. I looked online and got some really good suggestions.

What ended up working for me was - suiting up like John Candy in the Great Outdoors. Gloves, tennis racket, wastebasket on my head . . . . okay gloves and goggles. I armed myself with Static Guard laundry spray and dryer softener sheets. I wiped down each bottle with the sheet. Sprayed each bottle and my entire work area with the static spray. I got out a sealing bucket pail thing and wiped/sprayed it down too. Then each bottle (5 - 2# each) was opened and a dryer sheet stuffed into the narrow mouth. (While I screamed "take that you dirty buggers.") Once it sat for a bit I re-sprayed everything. Yeah I sprayed alot. It stunk. Took out the dryer sheets and one by one poured the lye beads over to my pail. Not one stray possessed lye pellet. It worked and hopefully now I have a pail of reformed and properly penitential lye that knows not to mess with me.

Recent soap and such pictures.

2010-08-29T09:40:00.000-04:00

I'm just rotten about updating/uploading pictures. For some reason when I post on here I want to flap my gums about stuff and forget to show the goods. Ah, well such is life. Here are a few pics of recent batches.

Also, there will be more pics coming up soon since I was chosen to participate in Brambleberry's SOAP Panel. It was a huge honor and I am tickled pink.

Green Clover and Aloe Castile CPOP soap.

"White" Lilac CPOP soap.

Lily of the Valley CPOP soap.

Cranberry Fig CP Soap - tried using the funnel technique. It was fun.

Strawberry Kiwi Tarts with Cacao Nibs and Creme de Menthe Spun Sugar.
Dark Chocolate Chai Euro Truffles.

Tarts, Truffles, and a Chocolate Clay Rose I sculpted. This was for a bridal shower (but more made than this picture.)

Honey Bee-Emu Lip Balm

Shows, Festivals, and Orders Oh My!

2010-08-25T21:56:00.000-04:00

I'm still getting used to selling a product that I create, produce, package, and distribute. Feedback so far has been so positive and supportive. Everyone has been very generous with their compliments and well wishing ~ which is lovely to hear. My modesty prevents me from saying "yes I AM good." I'm not a very confident person for much in my life, never have been. So the real me says, "Eh, you're okay and still learning. Sure you've made some nice things, now do it better heifer."

But oh how I enjoy it. As a person who has fought, battled, and never conquered chronic depression and anxiety - I'm finding a bit of peace. My soap craft has given me an outlet for feelings in a constructive way. Before it would be retreat within myself, go on auto-pilot or shut down completely, and hermit hide myself away. Survival. Now I still get the feeling, oh buddy do I ever. HOWEVER, with more and more frequency I am batting down the hatches, squaring my shoulders, and charging to my workroom. Pouring, measuring, inhaling fragrance, working raw materials into something lovely; I find satisfaction. Then my children come peeking around the corner and say "mommy's making soap" instead of "mommy's laying on the bed" or "mommy's got the blues, daddy."

"Because of your little faith. Amen, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 For as long as I can remember - this has been my favorite verse. A mantra in the weak moments, comfort in the hard ones, and a kick in the pants when my heart was open to listening.

I'm not ready to move mountains. I will believe though that God knows the way to get me there. For now, I'll make soap and get it ready for the Craft Shows and Festivals I am so looking forward to participating in this upcoming fall. I've had some custom orders to take care of too. Still wanting to keep this venture small for now, without going too far into a formal business. I'll take mustard seed sales and rejoice!

Gone fishin'

2010-08-23T10:42:00.000-04:00

wikipedia

My Mother's birthday is tomorrow. In celebration, we truly fished our weekend away. Friday night until 11, Saturday from about 10 am to 11 pm, then Sunday from 6 to 9.30 pm. We had a blast. Our goal is to get enough for a fish bake to feed our family for Mom's birthday party this upcoming weekend. There are Mom and Dad, us 3 daughters, our 3 husbands, and 8 grandchildren. That's a lot of fish. We are almost there, might need to fish another night this week. :) Or maybe that's an excuse.

I'd like to try making an Angler soap. Supposedly you can add Anise (that's what is in black licorice) to a soap and use it to wash your hands and gear to attract fish. We'll see. With my Mother, myself, brother-in-law, and other friends I should have plenty of willing testers to see if it is effective.

There is such a delightful chill in the air this morning. I am so looking forward to our Indiana fall. Although I dislike the intense heat and humidity of summer, I am still fortunate to live in an area where we experience the changing seasons. Autumn is my dearest favorite. The fiery reds, yellows, burnt orange, maroon, and nutty browns that the leaves turn to are a feast for the eyes. The critters will be foraging and fattening up for our often heavy winters (my second season of choice.) Fall also hosts my favorite festivals and fairs. It is the time of chilly night bonfires, warmed spiced cider, and the upcoming hunting season. Hubby can't wait to give his Christmas compound bow a workout; our freezer could use a bit of venison too. My heart is full thinking of it all. Just feeling nostalgic and eager for summer to finish. We will surely have more hot days to come but I am hoping not too many!

Cheers!

TMI Alert for the Fella's, Girls Only Post

2010-08-20T10:17:00.000-04:00

This is a personal topic for ladies - Menfolk can disregard - unless you are interested for your wife or daughter's sake. Then by all means, read on. Also, I do apologize if this makes anyone uncomfortable. But, in my blog I like to talk about life. Little ways to enjoy, change, our improve the quality of said life. I'm only sharing this because I care.

Did you know you can turn that "Red" time of the month Green?

How? or maybe you're thinking more along the lines of wwhhhhaaaaaatttttttt . . .

Yeah, there is a bit of confusion, shock value, and embarrassment about this topic. But there doesn't need to be. I believe in a certain amount of modesty and privacy, however I fully believe that our bodies and there functions SHOULD NOT be taboo. The lack of understanding and misconceptions about our bodies could really be cleared up by polite discussion and education. I think one of the best gifts I can give my children is to be honest and up front about their bodies - enabling them to hopefully make better choices down the road. (Not that I always do. I'm overweight and have bad habits - but I wish better for my children.)

Anyways, there is a healthier and eco friendly alternative for our periods. I never knew of such things when going through puberty and all my young adult years. It was pads or tampons. I hate them both. The tampons are uncomfortable and pads don't seem as sanitary as their name implies.

Enter the menstrual cup. I just found out about these little gems. It is a medical grade silicone cup that catches your flow. With proper technique you eliminate any and all leaks. It is reusable, sanitizable, and extremely portable. You can use it for years - going from monthly purchases of disposables to one investment of about $20 give or take depending on which type you buy and if you catch a sale. Your activities are not limited in ANY way. I'm transitioning to one made by Diva Cup. While learning the appropriate way to use them, cloth rewashable pantiliners are a good option. Those are nice to have around for just really light spotting days anyways.

Here are a few links if you want to learn more:
http://lunapads.com/
http://www.mooncup.com/
http://menstrualcups.org/

You can also find them easily at Amazon or oftentimes your local Health Store. Cheers!

Mothering

2010-08-18T10:41:00.001-04:00

When Homemaking Gets In The Way of Mothering

The link above was from a blog I enjoy following - Passionate Homemaking.

Reading this article hit home. For me, Mothering is a Vocation. My love for God can be glorified and shared in being a mother and wife. After all, Mary was Mother and Wife - if I could only ever be a fraction of her it would have been a life well lived. There are so many different ways we can fulfill that vocation whether as a working or working at home mom!

This article talked about how we can get wrapped up in "tasks" we set for ourselves and lose sight of why we wanted to accomplish or learn those tasks. The bane of my homemaking existence would have to be sewing. If my own (or any other) sewing machine sees me coming ~ they play dead. Needles volunteer for the haystack, accepting a fate of never being found again to avoid me. So, I've put sewing to bed and decided that it's not for me. I CAN cook, clean, make soap from scratch, heal boo-boos, knit, do outdoorsy stuff, plan activities, render beeswax, get 4 toddlers to nap at the same time, and other tricks of housewifery. I can even armpit fart if the need arises. Pffft. Who needs sewing. :)

Basically what I am trying to say is: We mommies are oftentimes our own worst critics. We do not easily step back and look at the bigger picture of the little people we are growing. I for one feel the sting of days when you want to pull your hair out because it seems every step, chore, or direction is met with resistance and melt-downs. But then you have a day in town where a stranger says "wow, you have such nice little children." You look at your progeny with opened eyes, almost as if they were strangers. It hits: they are great children. YOU have helped to make them that way.

It would be a worthy goal to stop fretting over what I cannot do and instead rejoice in the skills God gave me that I CAN do. HE equipped me with adequate means to raise up the children HE sent to me for safekeeping. So, I need to remember that every good thing I do for my husband and children is good enough. Ultimately there is love behind it; and where there is love who could ask for more?

Double Double Toil and Trouble

2010-08-13T09:35:00.000-04:00

My historian of a sister, Charlotte, graciously informed me the other day of a slightly disturbing yet interesting fact. "you know sis [as I am hunched over mixing up a clay poultice paste for her daughter] if you were alive around the 1600's with all your potions and the moles you have on your body - you'd have been burned or drowned for sure."

Thanks sis, hey will you hand me that eye of newt over there? I need it to go with my batwings, warty toad toes, dragons breath, and snake livers.

Really though, I am glad to live in an age where information and ingredients to better our lives in a more natural manner are so readily available. I love making soap, deodorant, toothpaste, laundry soap, little aromatherapy "potions," and so much more. It is a real joy in my life to express creativity in ways that are able to be shared with others in a useful way.

Hopefully I can get back to my cauldron today or tomorrow. Busy days! My little girl starts pre-school in just a few short weeks. Whatever will little man and I do during the mornings without her?

A Not So Secret Love Affair

2010-07-28T10:07:00.004-04:00

I buy vinegar and baking soda in bulk. Seriously. There are times when I can go through a gallon of vinegar in little over a week. Here's a vinegar use link to visit - here's a baking soda use link and you may begin to understand how!

This frugal, friendly, and non toxic combination (or used individually for specific applications) is an all around household helper. I began my love affair with vinegar and baking soda when pregnant for my first child. Sure I had used vinegar in cooking, dyeing Easter eggs, and in a pinch to clean windows if I was out of Windex (go figure right? why didn't I just always use it?) But - being pregnant with my daughter caused my body to despise any sort of chemical cleaner. I could not tolerate the smell without feeling woozy. Turning to baking soda and vinegar as a last resort to scrub up things ended up being the best discovery for a youngish housewife. Now, I continue to dislike most cleaners. Every now and then (like with pukey kids) I still break out the Lysol. I'd carry a can of it around to public bathrooms if I could get away with it. I'm not opposed to doling out a bit of bleach either here and there in moderation. I'm not so far gone to the crunchy side that I cannot see the benefits of certain chemicals. However, generally vinegar and baking soda it is for me. It's cheap, it works, I love it!

What are your favorite ways to use vinegar and/or baking soda?

THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING

2010-07-24T11:03:00.002-04:00

Oh, Wait - the sky isn't falling. It's just my husband falling through the ceiling. He is cleaning out our attic because we are going to be re-insulating for better efficiency. This is one of the potential downfalls . . . pun intended. He slipped from the stud he was standing on and there it was - a leg dangling from the ceiling and the muffled voice of my husband "that's not good."

Nope it sure isn't. But nobody was injured aside from the much abused ceiling. Was going to make soap today . . . now it looks like we might have a trip to menards in store.

2010-07-22T10:52:00.003-04:00

Yeah. I got nuthin'. Catch ya next week . . .

This picture never fails to crack me up.

Deo Update

2010-07-16T22:28:00.002-04:00

I am going on a full week of using the homemade deodorant faithfully. I am absolutely in love. Commercial deo companies will no longer be getting any of my $$$. When this runs out I will tweak the recipe to add a bit of cocoa butter and maybe some more arrowroot powder to help with firming it up better. My current recipe will be fine in the cooler weather but is just a bit soft during the summer. It doesn't affect its effectiveness at all, just have to smear it on with your fingies instead of applying with the push up tube - no biggie. We are talking high 80's to pushing 100 degrees this week and it never failed me ONCE in the stink department.

I'm just tickled pink really. This is what I no longer buy from the store: deodorant, bath soap, laundry soap, laundry softener, toothpaste, shampoo, facial cleanser or moisturizer, healing ointments, diaper cream, lip balms, lotion, and . . . . the sky is the limit! Although, toilet paper might be beyond my capabilities. Scott tissue can still expect a steady income from this family of 4! :) Cheers!

Feeling famous again . . .

2010-07-12T18:27:00.002-04:00

Amy of Great Cakes Soapworks kindly invited me to be a guest poster on her blog. The topic was Dental Tooth Powder and a tutorial for making it. It was really enjoyable to do; especially for a lady who has some super soaping skills that I admire. So, please pop in HERE (show me some love, folks) to see the blog post and visit Amy's site for some enjoyable shopping or reading.

Cheers~ Court

Pit Stop!

2010-07-10T10:52:00.004-04:00

Today I whipped up a batch of homemade all natural deodorant. It has coconut oil, arrowroot powder, baking soda, and essential oils. The CO is a natural antibacterial and antifungal ingredient and also creates a vehicle for spreadability. Arrowroot powder is a natural starch which will help with moisture. Baking soda - the miracle of materials - will help with deodorizing and moisture. I chose tea tree, lavender, lemon, and rosemary for their various therapeutic and fragrant qualities.

Why did I do this you may ask? Well, I am tired of paying for things I am capable of making on my own. I dislike how so many products in our world are tainted and contaminated by foreign or unhealthy materials. Also, commercial deo/anti-perspirants are proving to be dangerous. They contain aluminum and other metals, block pores, are suspected of being breast cancer contributors, swell lymph nodes, and more. That is scary.

This product is meant to eliminate and control any odor issues - you're still going to sweat. But I'm already a sweaty Betty and am used to it. Commercial anti-P's never did much for me anyways. So we'll give this a whirl. My dad has graciously agreed to be my guinea pig to take score for the man-pit department.

One note to anyone trying to eliminate chemicals and go toward more natural products: DON'T GIVE UP TOO SOON!!!! Natural products really need to be given a chance. Usually a month of faithful use before making a final decision. Why? Because your body needs to adjust. Whether it be a shampoo bar or homemade deodorant - your skin and hair and glands will be shedding the toxins of commercial products. Commercial Anti-P is made to block your pores/glands and thus block sweat from escaping. Your underarms will need to empty that out and you may notice more sweating when starting out because of the detoxing going on, afterwards you should sweat less since your body will be functioning as it was meant to. For a shampoo bar it is similar - your scalp and follicles will be purging the chemicals and then shortly after reveling in their newfound naturalness. Please give natural products a fair shot to do their job and your body to heal itself - the results are completely worth the time involved.

Mine! Alllllll Mine!

2010-07-10T09:00:00.003-04:00

Boy did I ever score a good haul! Aarrgh Mateys, this here be my booty. . .

First off is a collection from Opinicus Soaps. Owner/creator Laurel Redd is a talented lady with good taste. We did a bit of a soap and material trade and this is what I received in return. Her Cold Process soaps are stylish and high quality. The scents are delightful. I also received individual use Sugar Soap Scrubs, Lip Balm (oh so good), and an Herbal Salve. You won't go wrong with her goodies.

Next up is my giveaway prize hosted by Gassner Custom Soaps. Let me say WOW! Just opening the box was an olfactory treat. Her packaging is thoughtfully done with professional labeling and containers. My favorite so far is the Lip Balm in Mint Julep. This stuff is so delicious and moisturizing. I wanted to put it on over and over, but alas, with a high quality product it isn't necessary. So I'll just sniff it every 10 minutes or so. In my package there was also Rose Body Spray and Lotion, a CP Renaissance Faire soap, Tear Free Foaming Baby Wash, Baby Bee Buttermilk Bubble Bath (say that 3 times), and a Celestial Moon Molded Soap. Lots of attention to detail in everything. Another artisan crafter who goes above and beyond.

So, what now? Well I better get to showering about 5 times a day since I already have so many yummy soaps in my tub to use up first! I think hubby might get a bit snarky with me if I add more . . . even though I catch HIM using the fancy soaps every day!!! Cheers!

Birthday Giveaway!

2010-07-09T08:31:00.003-04:00

****Winners drawn with random number generator: Pam Klein, Angie Grobis Cupp, and a surprise one to Stephanie Wheaton. Thanks to all who played along. Stay in touch for the next one!

My birthday is coming up: the big two-eight. Sheesh, thirty is creeping up on me! Anyways - to celebrate I am offering a giveaway. 1st place winner will get 1 lotion candle and 2 bar soaps. 2nd place gets choice of either a lotion candle or a bar soap. What do you need to do???? Just nip on over to my facebook page CRNest Soaps & More and comment on the giveaway post with your favorite summer fragrance and why. I'll use a random number generator on July 15th to pick the lucky ducky winners. Cheers!

Whoah Buddy!

2010-07-08T08:59:00.002-04:00

Phew! Time is just flying by this summer. How can it be the second week of July? That means my sweet daughter will be starting preschool in 2 months. I'm not sure if I am ready! The holiday blew by full of fun and busyness. Now it seems as though we are still trying to catch up from what we neglected in order to have fun.

Our garden is doing well, albeit my tomatoes are looking a little bit scorched. Last night I used fresh dill from my herb garden in salmon and scallops that we had for dinner. No way does the dried variety of dill weed compare to the delicate flavor of fresh dill weed. We've been having 90 degree days and that is just too hot for my liking. If it weren't for close family, I could easily move to a very cold climate and hunker down like the hermit I am.

I'm excited because tonight we are going to the car dealership to trade in our Impala for a Caravan. We had a van before and traded it in (foolishly). I so missed having a van for the convenience and storage - not to mention the ability to take my nieces and nephews along with our little family at times. It is so funny that as a younger person I swore I would NEVER lower myself to drive a van. Now, I've been pining for one. :) Just goes to show how we all change our perspectives in life . . .

Well this post wasn't much of anything. I just wanted to touch base and let you dear readers know I was still kicking around and hadn't forgotten you or my soapy love. Just busy being Mommy, Wife, Sister, Auntie, Daughter, and more. Cheers!

Buzzworthy?? Tutorial

2010-07-01T16:33:00.004-04:00

I love beeswax. I use it in many of my lotion, bath/body, and soap creations. It is so versatile as an emulsifier, thickener, hardener, and is full of healthy goodness. As a candle- pure beeswax burns purer, brighter, and cleaner than most other waxes. Ahhh the smell, oh the lovely honey scent of beeswax it also a delight to the sniffer. Unfortunately, sourcing quality beeswax can be costly (especially when factoring shipping as well.) I once went into a natural foods shop in a nearby city and was flabbergasted to find they were selling cupcake sized pucks of beeswax for $7.99. This was 3-4 oz. of wax at best. So I decided to see if I could cut out some of that cost with a bit of elbow grease of my own.

Living in Northeast Indiana I am in the heart of Amish country. It just so happens that my brother in law works with an Amish man that keeps bees. For $5.00 I was able to buy from him approximately 7 pounds of raw burr comb ends. Thus began my adventure in home rendering of beeswax. I had never done this before, had a vague idea of how it "should" go, and just dove in. Here I'll show a few pictures of the process and what I learned (along with what I found would have been easier in hindsight.)

1. Take your raw burr comb and crumble it up - breaking up any big sticky chunks. This will still have some raw honey and organic matter in it. I used a double boiler on the stove. Have your bottom pot full of water and at a pretty decent medium-high to high heat. *Always take caution to not overheat beeswax especially by microwave as it is combustible. Add your burr comb to pot and begin melting down.

2. Continue stirring as it is melting down. I prefer using a glass stirring rod. I would not recommend using plastic or wooden utensils for rendering wax unless you intend to designate those items specifically to this project - it does not clean off easily.

3. Here is where you can see it is fully melted down. There is quite a bit of debris in the wax. Larvae, adult bees, pollen, and other matter.

4. Here is my super fancy shmancy filtration device. Knee highs stretched over a container and secure with rubber band. I had at one point tried cheesecloth as well, but it was not nearly as effective as pantyhose. The cheesecloth was so absorbent that it soaked up the wax rather than letting it pass through.

5. It may be necessary to run the wax through one or two additional times depending on how much organic matter was in the wax. I sent mine through twice and it was entirely free of all sediment. You can give the hose sack a gentle squeeze as you are finishing up but be cautious of the high heat - beeswax gets very hot and will harden rapidly on your skin. Also do not squeeze too much or you will squish out gunk and make your clean wax dirty again.

6. Here is my finished product. It smells so lovely and has a rich golden color indicative of high quality wax that has not been bleached out or over-refined. I ended up with approx. 5 lbs. of pure beeswax for a minimal amount of money and work. I highly recommend once your wax has "set" but is still warm you cut it up right then into more manageable 1-2 ounce pieces. It will save a lot of chipping away at a mammoth hunk of hard wax later. Unless you fancy that sort of thing. :)

Another handy tip is take paper towel and immediately! begin wiping out your double boiler while the wax residue is still warm. It is impervious to soap and water - I learned the hard way that it is difficult to clean off a pot's surface.

6. Here is some of the yucky gunk that you get out of the wax when purifying. I've been told that if you put this "sludge gum" into egg carton compartments that they make excellent fire starter cubes when cut up.
All in all, I really had fun doing this. It is a sustainable product and a natural additive that can enrich so many projects. I fully plan on doing this again to keep myself in wax supply. Since this batch I have been told by a beekeeper friend about another (and supposedly easier) method. So, I'll post again once I have tried it. Which will be soon, very soon, because I have 20#'s waiting for me in my garage!!

Thanks for checking out this tutorial. I hope it helps in any way. Sorry for the lengthy rambling, but brevity is not one of my talents. Feel free to email or post with questions and comments! Also, I'd be pleased to share this with others - if you would like to re-post please just link back to me and mention where you got it from. Cheers!

Take Care of Yourselves!

2010-06-28T19:06:00.003-04:00

This post is not about soap, or crafts, or children, or my faith. It's about something we all need to hear sometimes, even when unsolicited.

I went to the Dr. today for some lady problems I was having and am blue over the news. In the grand scheme of things, it is rather miniscule - however in the small scope of here and now it was unhappy news to hear that the reason I had been having trouble was due to a cyst on my ovary. Blood test results will be back tomorrow to rule out any other factors. Evidently, the ovarian cyst ruptured and clued me in to something not being right. I'll go back in 6-8 weeks for another ultrasound to make sure all is okay and then future monitoring to see if it will be a recurring trend.

I'm only 28 this year. I have two beautiful little ones and God willing hope to have more in the future. This shouldn't be a situation that will prevent it from happening. Like I said above - relatively small potatoes. But what about when it is more? What about the conditions that snowball from neglect or postponement? If we can maintain and service our vehicles, why not our bodies . . .

I just wanted to encourage and reiterate to you ladies, my friends, that it is imperative to get your check-ups. Get the pelvic exam you've dreaded or avoided. Get your mammogram faithfully at the appropriate age. Have the colonoscopy done even if it is the last thing in the world you ever wanted to go through. When your body gives you signs that something isn't functioning as it should - listen! A bit of discomfort, embarrassment, or pride swallowing now can prevent a load of heartache and medical problems later. For yourself and loved ones, remember that you are worth it; there is nothing to lose and everything (including early diagnosis) to gain by getting annual physicals or procedures to protect your well being.

In conclusion: all you gentleman folk - you're not off the hook. Same recommendations for you too even though the bits and bobs might be different!

Water Woes

2010-06-19T15:10:00.004-04:00

When it comes to soap, the water you use can make a big difference in your results. A deliciously moisturizing soap, a gentle shampoo bar, or a rich shaving bar with good slip can all yield poor results if the water you are using is too hard, rusty, or loaded with minerals. This is more prevalent with well water in rural areas.

I recently noticed my soaps weren't feeling as good as usual. I was so perplexed. Why did it feel like my hands were skidding out on my skin? Why wont my fingers go through the tangle on my head that is supposed to be hair? I was having flashbacks of store bought commercial detergent, er um ahem, excuse me "beauty" bars. (informational sidetrack: most store bought "soaps" aren't really soap at all. They are labeled as beauty bars, cleansing bar, moisturizing bar, etc. They cannot be called soap legally because they are made with detergents, synthetic chemicals, and preservatives.)

Anyways, I had a suspicion and sure enough - our water softener was out of salt. So, if your skin is drying out or not feeling ideal - there may be another culprit other than the soap you're using on it!

Honey Harvest Spice

2010-06-16T21:47:00.002-04:00

Palm, Coconut, Olive, Cocoa Butter, and Castor Oil with Dried Honey Powder. I have a crush on this soap. I could not wait until morning to slice this puppy up. I'm glad because now I get to dream about it . . .

Doggie Days.

2010-06-14T11:01:00.002-04:00

I'm a hermit. No denying it. Partly from social anxiety, partly from not wanting to face town with two toddlers in tow, and from the ease of online shopping. I like being home. Its, well, um, home. I think it might be one of those conditions that easily infect a stay at home mother.

So here's to a lazy dog day, staying at home, and being in your nightgown until . . . oh say about 2:00??

MacDuff, the amazing furball sitting on his couch perch, says yes!

Honoring the Past

2010-06-07T09:21:00.008-04:00

Some of the joy of making natural soaps and such is the feeling of being more self supporting, more environmentally responsible, and keeping an art alive and flourishing that could have been forgotten with modern manufacturing.

Yes, the future holds much to look forward to - but we shouldn't forget the milestones of the past that got us here! In society today we can have anything and everything we could want with minimal effort. Our ancestors and even as far as 1-2 generations ago had to work so much harder for what they have. Instant gratification was rare.

My sister Charlotte, is a historian. She lives and breathes preserving the past. I am always so proud of her finds and dedication to making sure the achievements, memories, and remembrances of the past are not forgotten. She does this by digitizing documents, pictures, and more. She organizes data and then records it. It is exhausting and hard work, but she does it with joy! For me, that is not my idea of a fun time~but in my own way I found a way to preserve the past by using my hands to create soaps using the old fashioned way!

So, go ahead and learn to make soap. Learn to card and spin wool. Maybe try to craft something from wood with your own hands and no power tools. Take up knitting, tatting, or hand embroidery. Learn to can the harvest of your garden. Spend a day going through heirloom recipes and make them! And while your doing it - share with your children! Let them see that not everything has to come off a shelf in the store.

Have a skill, trade, artisan craft that you are preserving? Share with us! Cheers!

Owl Tree Soaps

2010-06-06T10:50:00.004-04:00

Here's a shout out to a great Soapmaker in Washington State: Owl Tree Soaps. You can find them here on Etsy. I just received a package from the owner/soapmaker yesterday and it was heaven in a postage box. I am so excited to try all the flavors that were in the box; a facial bar, vanilla lip balm (super yummy, my daughter Corrina has tried snaffling it already!), Chai Tea latte, Fruit Bowl, Sugared Spruce (hubby wants to steal this one from me), and a dreamy Creamsicle. As for the soaps themselves, in addition to smelling fantastic they are aesthetically pleasing too. Creator Jennifer has a great hand for marbling and swirling her Cold Process soaps that has me itching to try my hand at more color work in my own soaps. So, cheers to a crafter doing what she loves and doing it well - Owl Tree Soaps.

p.s. I think this week holds a coffee/kitchen CP soap in store for me. Hubby goes back to work and I need to hit the suds to console myself. Fresh Ground Kona Coffee in a Cocoa Butter, Coconut and Almond Oil soap anyone??

And it has to wait a bit . . .

2010-06-04T10:37:00.002-04:00

I had grand plans of multiple batches of soap upon returning from our Michigan 4Wheeling/Camping trip. Well . . . I bit the dust. Not on the four wheeler. Oh no, nothing like that. Just a nose dive ankle mangling fall when climbing out of our camper in search of coffee. Urghh. So I have a compound high and low ankle sprain and have a fancy shmancy boot to wear.(I still had an awesome time on our trip though and can't wait to go up there again!!!)

Hurts to walk and stand for long periods which means my soap must wait.

Which really sucks because I think, dream, plan, breathe, and yearn for soap. I am so ate up with the soap bug right now that I might fart bubbles. Anywho, guess I'll just have to read other lovely soap blogs and live vicariously through them.

Next Up

2010-05-27T10:34:00.002-04:00

This weekend we are camping for Memorial Weekend. Going up north to state ground and try out our new truck camper and do some fun four-wheeling. After I get back, the next projects I am practically chomping at the bit to do are Shampoo bars and "Grandma's Lye Soap."

The shampoo bars I would like to make are going to be tailor made to suit me and my father's hair. We both suffer from a psoriasis like dermatitis in our hair at times, not dandruff but an itchy raised rash that can make a person miserable. So these shampoo bars are going to contain castor, jojoba, tea tree, rosemary, lavender, eucalyptus, and peppermint to sooth - heal - and prevent!

All cold/hot process soaps contain lye, but the Grandma's Old fashioned type is a throwback from the fancier exotic oils and butters that most artisan soaps now incorporate in their luxurious selves. This lye soap will be a most basic recipe of lye, water, and lard. It is supposed to be beneficial for poison ivy, eczema, acne and can also be used as an effective soap base for the homemade laundry detergent I make and use.

Hmmm, maybe I should have made that lye soap up before going on a camping trip likely to involve poison ivy at some point . . .

New Logos

2010-05-25T19:25:00.005-04:00

Hubby created a few birdie images for me and then I put my own flavor on them. I'd like to incorporate them into my labeling and have a personalized stamp made to emboss my soap bars with. So much fun creating and expanding my hobby life. Being a stay at home mommy~ having projects helps me stay sane. Love those little chicks of mine to the moon and back, but I need to feel an identity of my own at times. Here's to being "me."

*One of the images is to the right where the blog list is, the other is located at the bottom of the page. Check hubby's mad art skills!

PS~ I love birds.

CR. Nest Soap Creations and More!

2010-05-21T10:31:00.005-04:00

Thought I would post some pictures of my projects. This weekend will be my first "open sale". Up until now I have just given away everything as gifts to my guinea pigs, oops I mean family and friends. I'm going to try selling things now beginning with the 4-H community garage sale on Saturday 22nd. From then I hope to progress to craft shows, festivals, and maybe even see if a few local shops would like to carry a small selection.

A few things are very clear to me at this point: I love what I am doing. I need to go at a slow, controlled pace to avoid biting off more than I can chew. I must recognize that if it doesn't pan out - that's okay, keeping it as a hobby I love is more important than a "business" to hate.

Here's to trying something new! Cheers!

New Ad"Venture"

2010-05-17T09:15:00.002-04:00

I love hobbies. As a matter of fact, I love them so much that I have managed to amass an impressive collection of them. Music, reading, watercolor painting, writing, calligraphy, crocheting, knitting, felting, gardening (albeit at a novice level,)cooking, collecting things, and now . . . making my own bath/body/home products. There is such a sense of satisfaction at making my own cleaners and laundry detergent. Using essential oils and homemade balms for healing and health. I've expanded into even making lotions, lotion bars, scrubs, perfume spritzes, and soap.

This past weekend I created my first batch of Cold Process (CP) soap. A match made in heaven, me and soap. We go together like, well, soap and water. :) Naturally I had to send little "helping" toddler hands outdoors with daddy for safety's sake while handling lye, but they will be so excited when I cut that first slice off the log. Making the soap from all natural oils and using my own steam to create that sudstastic mixture was so satisfying. Once it was mixed - it went into a wooden mold made by my own dear Pater. How wonderful it will be when my little babies bodies get cleaned for the first time with a soap I made with my own hands, while controlling the quality and purity of ingredients!! No artificial additives to sully their tender skin.

My goal in this new venture will be to create, package, and ultimately sell my homemade product line. Visions of craft shows, bazaars, and booths dance in my head. Maybe someday down the road an Etsy shop or such. I'm not looking for a superstore chain or corporation in my future, just a creative outlet for the things I love to make and share. So, stay posted . . . more on this journey to come.

Lent this far

2010-03-05T12:28:00.002-05:00

Well Lent thus far is going pretty decent for me. I truly love this season and its beauty. A person's spirit, the Liturgy, most homes, and even nature are all getting a "spring cleaning." It is such a time of renewal; a time for new chances in starting over.

I've been battling this depression so long that my faith, while never wavering or waning, suffered. How? How can it suffer if it wasn't weakened? Well, I never stopped believing in the Lord, or the Catholic Church. The need for the Sacraments and prayer were all still burning inside me, but I could do nothing about it. For persons who have never experienced true depression - it is hard to understand in others. I wanted to receive our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. Yearned for the peace that comes with Reconciliation. However this monster inside of me had ahold and there weren't many times when I could break free. For me most of it manifested in an extreme aversion to public situations and being around people. Not a good thing when Mass is a gathering of fellow Catholics celebrating Christ and Community. Despite the fact that I LOVE THESE PEOPLE - fear so paralyzing kept me from going. On the rare occasions in the past 6 months or more that I did make it, I was a wreck. Panic attacks the entire time. That is not how I wanted to feel in the one place that should have been a sanctuary to me. The rest of the time was usually filled with guilt for not being as good as I should and for letting down my family and friends. There were so many unanswered calls and neglects on my side that the shame just got deeper and deeper.

The week before Lent, Fr. Mark stopped in for one of his periodic visits. He never gave up on me. This particular time he said "Courtney Beard, get off your duff and come back to Church. We miss you." So - that little wake up call inspired my Lenten promise. Usually I give something up and just go with the flow trying to increase my prayer life and such. This year I decided that I've given up so much of myself already, this Lent I need to take it back. So far I have not missed my weekend Mass obligation (despite my hermitish inclination and temptation to do so). I've been focused on not losing one weekend of Lent to the depression monster. These are MY Saturdays and Sundays to get back to God and let Him know how much I love Him. How much I am grateful that He has not forsaken me. Christ is in the desert now facing various trials; I need to be receptive to that and carry His burden in my heart when feeling low in my "desert." When it boils down to it - the pain, isolation, despair I have felt are nothing. I am dust. God gave his Son. The Son accepted with dignity and complete faith. The Spirit carried everyone through it. Can I not follow his example any better? Can I not let go of these earthly pains and instead look for the heavenly joys?

Well, Easter is coming - I want to be prepared, filled with joy, and redeemed through HIM. Here I go . . .

Beware the Evils of becoming Overinformed

2010-02-16T18:48:00.000-05:00

Okay - so I believe that the internet is indeed a great resource. Education, communication, entertainment and more. However, sometimes it becomes way too much for me. In the process of keeping people informed, oftentimes more is disclosed than is healthy for the mind. I guess its not just the internet either - most media forms are guilty of this.

For example: while watching a tv commercial I learn of an overactive bladder medication available. Once you hear how great your life quality will improve with the wonder pee pill you are then inundated with a a breathless list of side effects to make your bowels liquefy. Migraine, nausea, diarrhea (note bowel liquefaction), liver failure, palsy, blood clots, rare case of heart failure, ad nauseaum. So your head is pounding while all organs fail leading to a very fluidy death - but never fear you wont whizz your pants anymore. No thanks, I'll get some poise pads.

More personally, I am recovering from a cold. Due to that prior condition my body responded as it has done since early childhood - I got a cold sore. Not just any regular cold sore; a festered, pulsing, nasal cold sore that seems to have its own zip code. Back when I was a kid, my mom would put carmex on my sores (after holding me down and scrubbing it with a hot soapy cloth while I writhed in adolescent outrage.) As I got older it was still carmex, then campho-phenique, lysine, malaleuca oil. Upon the time of my teenage years, horror of all horrors I learned that what I really had was the Herp. Herpes Simplex One. Oh the shame. Nobody had better say Herp around me. Mine were respectable cold sores or fever blisters, never herpes. I tolerated the medicine Zovirax, herpicin, and eventually Abreva since it helped my condition; The Condition That Must Not Be Named.

After a few years of successful treatment via the exorbitantly overpriced Abreva - I come to this day where my Sore Nostrilla is not responding to that cream. What do I do? I go online. I want to look for remedies to give me a bit of relief. Within 1 hour of searching I am in a panicked state nearly to the point of lancing off my skin and boiling myself in a vat of lysol. I came to terms with having HSV1, but today I was thrown for a loop. Reading their treatments and advice - I am afraid that by accidentally touching my sore I am going to 1. infect my eyeballs and go blind 2. infect myself down under (I'm not talking Australia folks) 3. infect my children 4. infect my husband 5. be sent to a leper colony.

I've had these all my life without giving it to anyone else. All the years of smooching to my hubby, he is still cold sore free. I've never been promiscuous or contracted an STD and so far "australia" is functioning properly. But those articles of "helpful" information make me feel rotten. One consolation is that I probably first got the cold sore virus when I had the chicken pox. (they are of the same family and go hand in hand evidently).

Anyways, moral of this overblown written rant is be careful what you look for. Good chance you'll get way more than you ever wanted to know. Now I'm going to hold myself down with a soapy washcloth, scrub my nose, and dig out the carmex. Mom you knew best.

Be Like Children

2009-06-16T12:57:00.002-04:00

The Lord instructs us to be like children. Open to awe, wonder, and pure joy in such small pleasures. I see this in my own little ones and it makes me so happy for them that it comes naturally to their hearts.

For instance, with no inhibition or embarrassment children embrace the impulses that first come to mind. 2 weeks ago when a certain critter of the feline persuasion was in our driveway purposely taunting our dog MacDuff - Corrina proceeded to join Duffer in a telling off to said puss. It went a bit like this "Daddy, mommy there is a cat in the driveway. A cat! A cat I see! Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark." Evidently since Duffy was barking, Corrina thought that was how you reacted to a cat and after announcing his presence the animal instinct took over and she joined our pup in a chorus line of barking and arfing that would put the pound to shame. She couldn't have been happier.

Charles finds more enjoyment in a culinary forum. He delights in everything edible and is adventuresome in finding things that can be ingested that are not typically considered so. He has a penchant for dirt and sand that makes my back molars quiver with the imaginings of grit. This doesn't in anyway hinder him from mowing down all varieties of traditional nourishment. Just yesterday we had a bit of leftover peanut butter pie from Sunday dinner. The children each got their portion of nibbles, as did mummy. That polished it off. Leaving the empty tin on the table and carrying on with our afternoon I forgot about it altogether. Until I heard giggling, various smacking noises, crinkling aluminum and an "ummm" delivered with great gusto. I peeked into the kitchen and saw Charley licking the bits of crumb and pudding left over in the pie tin. By the time he was done with it - the pan positively sparkled. Afterwards he patted his belly and handed me back the empty evidence and said "all done." No shyness about it - he wanted to lick the tin to get every last morsel and that was the most perfectly natural thing for him to do.

I don't believe I'll start barking at cars or eating out of a pie dish; but there is much to be learned from a child by just letting go a bit. Lick the beater after mixing up a batch of brownies. Walk barefoot in the grass and just maybe squish your toes in some mud. Don't avoid the puddle - splash in it. Cry when something hurts, laugh when something tickles your fancy, and remember it is okay to want to hold someones hand or have a hug when you are scared. Innocence doesn't have to be lost, wonder can still yet be found - if we can strip off the adult restrictions and let go a bit.

Dark Night

2009-06-10T13:41:00.003-04:00

In nearly every person's life (that has a spiritual inclination) they are bound to experience "A Dark Night of the Soul." St. John of the Cross wrote of this condition with understanding, clarity, and honesty. Few people realize just how many people, religious alike, that battle with depression of the spirits and faith. This Dark Night of the Soul afflicts you with the inability to pray as you ought, love as you desire, and live joy as we are meant.

I am in my dark night. Being a stay at home mother has wonderful rewards and I truly would not change it; however, there is a feeling of invisibility and non-importance that make you feel as though you really do not matter in this world. I do not need grand fame or major accomplishments in my life. To have lived, loved, and prayed well in my time should be adequate. Despite that - there is a void and I don't know how to fill it. My children keep me busy. My husband entertains me. My family enjoys spending time with me. My Church - my wonderful, fantastic St. Joseph Catholic Church nourishes me. My Lord and God - sustains me.

So why the discontent? Why am I so spiritually dry that I practically emanate dust? Why is getting to Mass seeming like a job instead of privilege? How can a mother not always be cheered by the laughter and goofiness of her children and instead feel grouchy and focus on the mess they are making? I guess I was meant to be Catholic and a Mother. Those are probably the best two groups of people that really excel in the GUILT category.

Depression hurts and I cannot even be fully consoled by my faith - since I have sorely neglected it instead of nurturing it. Consolation from my family is bittersweet since I often feel like a nonentity on a day to day basis and ultimately unworthy to be loved. God never will give up on me though. Even though I cannot always feel it or see it - HIS love is there. Shining brighter than a lighthouse beacon cutting through the fog to lead me home.

I am sleepwalking through this dark night. I stumble, start at sounds, and feel the walls blindly trying to find the way. Far ahead I do see the faint stirrings of a glow. It is my sunrise waiting; warm, welcoming, pure and full of hope. That sunrise is the love of God, the support of my Church, the innocent arms of my babies, and the strong hand of my husband grasped in mine. It will come - with patience on my part it surely will come. I am waiting for my morning, the end of my dark night when I will wake up and embrace the dawn.